Monday, October 10, 2011

Lotus Rising, full circle

I've been fascinated by the idea of something said to me recently & can't quite wrap my brain around it nor formulate my thoughts well, but it feels completely and wholly true. I'm aware I wear my heart on my sleeve. Knowing if I'm happy, sad, moved to tears, angry, elated, etc takes no more than looking at my face. It's right there. But that stuff is easy. The $hit hits the fan when it comes to taking things deeper, to getting closer to the *why* & what's happening on the inside & up comes the wall. Stop. Thou shall not enter. Turn around and come back from whence you came b/c you're not making it through. It's intriguing b/c to look back even just a few years ago, I'd without a doubt say that wall came down. Little did I realize that there was another one a bit further behind it.

What are we afraid of? How well do you ever truly get to know yourself or another person? Well, only as well as they let you I suppose, and also only as well as you let yourself. I suspect it has to do w/vulnerability. Opening to emotions on the more inner levels means believing we're capable of dealing w/whatever is in there. Our inner workings can be a pretty damn murky, mucky place. But there's beauty in that. Back to the idea of the lotus flower. Just because you find a place that's hard to see through, that stops you in your tracks and binds you and is full of mud doesn't mean that you can't find absolute loveliness out of it and use it's nutrients to pull you up and come out so much more stunning and full than when you came in. Facing the scary, insecure, terrifying thoughts and emotions we all have inside helps us grow SO much more than ignoring them. Scratching the surface can result in something pretty, no doubt. But you get into those dark places & may go through periods that feel like holy hell, but I promise if you stick with it and keep going and trust in yourself you'll come out with riches you'd have never found otherwise.

We are so, so much stronger than we know. We are capable of amazing things if we believe in ourselves. And there is so much more inside each and every one of us than we realize, but it may take fighting through a helluva lot of muck to get there. I've met people whose negativity or complete lack of zest for life just saps the energy from those around him/her. Life is much too short for that. Reminds me of the human version of the Harry Potter Dementors. Is it worth it to deal w/our internal muck? Absolutely and without a doubt. Do we risk alienating ourselves from others? Mmmm, well, honestly, yes. I think so. But in the end, would you rather surround yourself with those who don't support the true you, or those who have seen you vulnerable and taken your hand and walked with you through those times? What are we waiting for? Knocking down a wall doesn't mean we're fixed, perfect or that there are no more further down the path. Life is one big learning experience and seems we don't ever really *arrive* or *get there*. It's how it should be. To get to the end of the our life path, where there's nowhere left to go, is one of the saddest things I can imagine. Exploring, finding new things to do and see, viewing things as if through the eyes of a curious child, and sometimes diving into our internal muck are what life is all about. Carry on.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Silence. And then... not.

I love this:

A musician sits in a silence that holds only the intent to play before she brings the music up out of that silence with her muscles and breath. The sounds of the music unfold through time until at some point the musician lets the silence return. Only now the silence is different, deeper. It holds more. 

It's so completely true. There are many moments of deepening silence like this in life. Think about the fantastic nervous energy before a first kiss. There's that moment right before of complete emptiness. Time seems to stop as you lean in together. Then the kiss. And then BOOM... that silence is filled with a helluva lot of (often conflicting, though exciting) emotions, feelings, and thoughts all colliding at once. There's SO MUCH there now.

Love love love this. I can think of a ton of times I've felt this, but they're my memories and so incredibly special they get to stay inside me & I don't feel a bit selfish about withholding. :-))) But feel that passage... pretty f'n cool.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Peace and Touching

I'm not sure what's changed, if anything, but I'm feeling damn good these days. A sense of peace has settled in and I'm extremely content with how things are going. Now, of course, there are things in the works. Feeling at peace doesn't = complacency, remaining stagnant, etc. But I'm just feeling overall happy about how things are going, where I'm at, and where I'm headed. Did the Tres Burritos ride today and fully expected it to suck. It didn't. Not at all. I rode out with a group faster than I'd ride on my own, but not craziness. That seemed to spur either 1) my competitive side (don't think so, not w/cycling), or 2) kicked me into gear (yes, yes) and while I kicked back a bit after riding w/them the first 20, a couple of the guys waited up and we continued to ride at a pace a bit above what I'd prefer given the overall distance. I kept thinking I was going to pay for it once we did the huge jaunt back south into the wind. Instead, I ended up dropping the guy w/the South Australia jersey (oops.. seriously unintentional... he apparently fell off on one of the hills) and then the last 10 I was the one leading a slew of guys into the wind. Me. ME!!! I felt strong and don't know what to chalk this up to. 67 miles is farther than I *should* have been biking today, though apparently my body & mind disagree with whatever was saying it's too much. I did some 60+ rides prior to Mexico, but just short rides here and then since I've been back. Something culminated and THANK YOU! I'm tickled. I also am aware to not put too much stock in this... sometimes it's just all right at the same time. I still have a lot of training to do to have a strong 100 for the Mamma Jamma.

Touch. Oh, touch. I treated myself to a massage tonight. I've yet to figure out what is most pleasing to me about this. Yes, I DO love a massage. But I also love love love being touched. Sexually is great, but some of us are w/o partner so clearly I don't mean in that way about this. It just feel so frickin' good to have someone's hands on my body. Amazing. Similar to a hug. Huge fan of the hug and dammit, why do so many people suck at hugging? Is it that hard? Apparently. I feel like I"m hugging a robot 1/2 the time. I get not everyone is in touch with their emotions, not comfortable opening themselves up, but it's just a hug. Then again, ahem... we know *just a hug* is what sparked a very torrid relationship not too long ago so perhaps I'm not giving it enough credit. Either way, I'm happy.

I'm happy.

I'm happy.

I'd love to meet someone. I do want a partner in my life. But timing is so very critical and eventually I feel confident the right person will be there at the right time. It's all good. Right now. I'm feeling antsy. Not so much about this partner thang... just a bit antsy in general. There are thoughts brewing in my mind. Where I want to be. Goodness. Total goodness. It's about time. ;-))))))))))))

Monday, June 20, 2011

Of Asking vs Owning

Yesterday morning during a few minutes of open practice, I chose to do headstand. I so slowly pulled myself up into what I know to be correct and could feel some wavering, but this is ok, and after a short amount of time I came down.

This morning at breakfast, Tim commented about my headstand, something to the effect that I just needed to refine it a bit. My response was this would have been good info to have had in the moment. And I received another lesson in why he is such a great teacher for me. He said he could tell I was deconstructing the pose & concentrating & doing it, but that I hadn't gotten to the point of feeling confident and busting out into the full, solid expression. And had he come over and interrupted, I'd surely have freaked out, come down, something other than just staying with it. But he also said that this will come. At some point I will move past the trepidatious approach. My immediate reaction was that he's right. As usual, he seems to know where I'm at and offers the exact support at the right time, and also knows when to just be there. And I also very much believe in his belief in me - that it will come. And I thought, but when?

Something was stirred. As I was writing later today it hit me that *when* is now. I have it. This is in me. I've just been asking the same question over and over and over. My lack of confidence overpowers me and my body throws a question to the universe, "Is it ok for me to try to come up into headstand?" YES, KRISTEN, IT IS OK. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE DONE THIS. And so begins the cautious rising of the legs, watching out for any sign of falling, and once up, holding it for a bit but not feeling secure, grounded, nor strong. And instead of elation, feeling that a favor has been granted by allowing me to accomplish something that was once scary to me.

I take issue with this. In the early stages, my approach was ok. To feel it out and ensure it's a safe space for me to play in. But now, I continue to ask permission over and over and over when it's been given to me already. And so it is with many other areas of my life. I dip my foot in the water, find it warm and inviting, then hop in. The next time, I dip my foot in again. Water is still warm and inviting, ok... in I go. To the water again. Still warm. One could logically conclude after enough iterations that it's safe to assume this body of water is warm and inviting. But no... I need to check it to be sure every single time, never just diving in and trusting that what it's shown me in the past will be there. So I can't enter by diving, nor doing a cannonball, a flip, leaping, anything that will elevate me or make it a new experience. It remains static & I cautiously lower myself into the pool while my growth remains immobile.

There was really a perfect culmination of two teachers. Sanieh saying to go to that area that scares you. To toe that line and step over into that space of discomfort, because it's from here that you'll grow, expand, and find what you're made of. I 100% believe in this. And Tim, recognizing where I'm at and respecting that I have to figure this out on my own. He can tell me to just do it, to own it, but this is mine to own. He saw I needed the tools a few months ago & showed me I already had everything I needed. And from that time he can keep telling me to grab the shovel, now I need the hoe, but really... it's up to me to figure this out and cultivate my garden in my own way as I want it to be organic, not filled with synthetic assistance that may make it look pretty for a while, but won't sustain what's beautifully growing and would cast a shadow that would kill the seeds germinating just below the surface.

So when is it time to quit expecting to be shot down? To quit asking for the same thing umpteen times when the answer given keeps being yes, yes, yes? And trust that yes will also be the answer the next time? When is it time to step into my own space, push myself a bit past my comfort zone, and thereby explore something subtly different, yet huge in the scheme of my psyche?

The time is now. With this, the time is now. Trust, move just beyond my comfort zone, and trust that my inner strength and resolve will continue to be there as they have been in the past. We are in control of our lives, our happiness, our peace. What we do, where we go, what we accomplish.. so much is in store for us if we quit asking for permission and own our lives. We are so strong and capable of so much more than we often think. But you'll never know unless you try.

The time is now.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Osho #32: Problems

I struggled for a couple weeks w/this Osho meditation & have written and rewritten this blog entry a bunch of times before finally deciding on just one thing. Think about how much you hear people complain. It's too hot or too cold or too humid or too windy. They're too busy or too over-committed or not energized or running a mile a minute and cannot slow down. We're always striving to be better than we currently are, to be thinner, fitter, to have more money, more free time, less worries, more vacation, more quality time, less stress.

My question to you is this: if all your problems were solved, would you then complain that you have nothing to fix, nothing to overcome, nothing to give you that sense of accomplishment, and are bored? Eh? Think about it. Welcome to life. It's not so bad how it is at this very moment, so relax, enjoy, quit bitching and breathe in ALL that surrounds you - the good and the bad which is often not all that bad when it comes down to it. ;-)

Monday, May 30, 2011


I'm 99% certain, finally, that I'm going to sell my house. I've pondered this idea off an on for a looong time now. I mean, it's at least been 1.5 years that I've considered it. I leave that 1% b/c I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm finally feeling it. Been waiting for this actually. The feeling inside that it's time, it's right, it's what I want to do.

Why? What changed? A few things. Tearing up my front yard has spawned a slew of thoughts, and when it comes down to it, I'm just not making the time to do anything to make this place into what I want it to be. Had I bought for a low price, then ok... it'd make sense to hang on, but considering what I pay for my mortgage + taxes, as a single person, it's a lot compared to the amount of enjoyment I get from it. I think it's a cute place. I wouldn't have bought it otherwise, but it also needs some work and I don't want to put the time nor money into it. It's a choice. I'm not being lazy. In fact, that's part of the problem: there are other things I want to do that are taking precedence.

I've stepped back into cycling. I'm enjoying it again. I'm loving yoga. I cooked this weekend and yum, yum, yum. I hiked with Scooter. I went to the pool. I went to a coffee house and did a bit of writing, then Brian met up with me and we chatted over some wine. In short, it's time to play. Houses come with a lot of work. I just don't want to put the effort into it.

I feel like every time I got close in the past to making this decision that someone gave me a long story about why I shouldn't sell. But ya know, we all have to make the decisions that are right for ourselves. It's not making me happy to know that I *should* be taking care of my front yard. I *should* be cleaning up the back. I *should* straighten up the garage. Well, that garage, that's part of it too in a sense. I don't want to own so much stuff. This is kind of funny for me to say considering that I live lighter than the vast majority of home owners I know. But really, I don't want all the yard equipment and things in the garage that are simply taking up space. What's the point?

Indeed, what's the point? Why own? If you're with someone, especially if you have a family, then yeah... I can see it. But why would a single female who makes a fairly decent salary, yet also owns a sick horse and doesn't know how to fix most things when they break spend the money on such a thing? I get that rent goes toward nothing. I do. But so do taxes in that sense. And there are the upkeep costs that when you consider the amt I pay every month for this on a single income, not making sense to me.

And I also feel I can stand on my own two feet and say enough with it. I know, without a doubt, one of the reasons I *had* to buy a place after Mike and I split was to prove to myself I could make it on my own. He had his doubts. I had my own doubts. And owning my own place, well, that was having the stability or perceived groundedness that I sought. And yet it's been more like a string tying me to something that hasn't felt completely organic. I forsee myself having another place. I'm not against homeownership. And maybe it'll be a fantastic thing where I meet someone and we go into my next place together. Or DESIGN IT! Now THAT would be awesome! I'd love to pick up something and remodel it into what I want, but 1) not this place, and 2) not on my own. It's kind of like kids in this regard. You can certainly be a single parent and many of them do a wonderful job. But this isn't ideally what I want. Kids bring so many positives, but I want to share that with someone else. Owning a home.. if it's a full-blown house anyway, I want that with someone else. My next place may be a townhome or something, but a home (at least an older one which are the ones that appeal to me) aren't for me right now.

What's next? Well, going to call Tues to have a few folks out to do bids on my front disaster of a yard. Need to do some painting inside. But you know... I don't have THAT much to do. Trim in the bathroom. Cleaning. But where will I go? Dunno.. I like the Far West area. I could live in Crestview. Love the south area too. Not really set, but I for sure won't be looking to buy. Not now.

99%? Yeah, but I'm feeling pretty damn good about this.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Osho #31: Experimentation

Huh, well, this Osho meditation is just so spot on for life. Experimentation? Hells yeah!
Do it.
With fervor.

Expect to fail, but try. Whenever you think you've mastered something, try a new approach to it, play with it, interpret it another way, do something to make it challenging, interesting, different again. As perfect as you may think it is, there is always some way to make it better.

If something isn't working for you, switch it up. You may come back to the original way, you may not, but don't play the same dull beat over and over, nor live life as a robot going through the programmed motions. Sometimes by experimenting you figure out why things weren't working before, you can make them better, you can leave them behind, but change it up.

Life isn't about the finality of things, that's death. It's about the journey. what you learn. what you do along the way. what you try. we learn SO much from failure. so so much. and accepting good enough is simply not good enough.

~ ~ ~                         ~ ~                         ~ ~ ~ ~                      ~                            ~                    .
Come, walk with me as we scale the boundary's edge.

But what's over there? Am I welcome? Will I like it? Is it warm? Is it cold? Could I get hurt? Could I fall in love? Could I be attacked? Will I be changed? Will I win? Will I fail? Will I grow or will I shrink? Will I have to fight? Will I simply accept? Will it be gruesome or will it be beautiful?

Come. let's check it out.

But I don't know what to expect nor how to prepare myself.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Osho #30: Emptiness

On first thought, emptiness conjures thoughts of being without. My cup runneth over can't really happen if your cup is empty. The gas tank is empty, fill it. The bank account approaches zero, next paycheck replenishes it. "I'm feeling empty inside" isn't typically stated as a positive way to feel. Ahhh, but why not?

I challenge that emptiness is to be sought, valued, and guarded. An empty room may seem stark and cold to some, but isn't it really anything you want it to be? It's open for you to create. It doesn't have to be filled with furniture to be useful. An empty room offers space, possibility, openess. Maybe it's left exactly as is... it's a place to walk into and feel completely uninhibited, most decidedly NOT surrounded by all the crap that typically would fill it. Maybe it's a yoga studio. Maybe it's where cartwheels are perfected. Maybe it's a spot for a trampoline. Or, maybe it does become a more *normal* room. Regardless, emptiness opens the doors to all sorts of possibilities. YOU decide what goes in there.

Why can't a full life mean a life with a lot of emptiness? A life with a lot of freedom, filled with things that touch us & have meaning vs. *things* that simply fill a space. Think about music. Music doesn't pick up its bags and move on in, filling up emptiness; rather it flows into & through us as waves and sure as hell makes itself known. It can enter as sound and simply stay in the ear to be heard if we offer no open paths, bouncing back from whence it came. But if we allow some emptiness, it will find these open pathways and be heard, yes, but also felt, resonating into our awareness. Sometimes it scrapes the walls & causes pain, tears, anger. Other times it glides gently through offering love, joy, contentment. Either way, it leaves our open paths intact, whispering an entry into our memory, then leaving us with the most intoxicating emptiness to be explored over and over and over again.

Monday, March 14, 2011

He was right about the onion

I don't remember the date, though it was sometime last May during the period of hell. I don't recall the neurologist's name, but I do remember his demeanor, that he also once had a bad cycling accident, that he was an older man, that he was very blunt & to the point yet also underlying that was much warmth, and that he was a natural teacher as we stared at my brain's MRI and he told me all about what he was (and thankfully, wasn't) seeing. And most specifically, I remember his comparison of my recovery to an onion.

I was told to be prepared. That recovering from a skull fracture was interesting stuff that could take a year, maybe even two, before I'd likely feel *normal* again. And I recall thinking, "Whaaaa????? Come on..." Now granted, I was in the midst of some bad stuff when I saw him and knew I wasn't flying through recovery as I'd originally been the first couple weeks, but I also didn't think a year or more was reasonable.

And yet here I sit almost 11 months later & know EXACTLY, and WITHOUT A DOUBT what this wise man was telling me. He said to consider this recovery like an onion in regards to the brain. That a few weeks from when we met I'd look back and realize I felt way more back into the real world. Then a few weeks from that I'd look back and think, "Ohhh...NOW I feel good compared to then" and so on. This constant realization and feeling that OK NOW I've stepped back into normal life would hit me suddenly and cause me to reflect back and realize that it truly is like an onion. There are many layers & closer to the center is the real me and my clarity. And these layers will slowly get peeled away, periodically. And to be prepared to keep feeling more *back* as the year progressed. But also to not be surprised nor frustrated if it took even longer than that.

I SO get what he means. I've been incredibly checked out of life. I finally feel I've stepped back in only within the last week, but with that said I'm now questioning what I'll think a couple more months from now. It's weird b/c in December I felt I was back in. Then I went out again.

I re-read a journal entry from last June to see where I was at mentally. June 14, 2010, a week shy of 2 months post-accident and what I was writing about is something I did in May the day my parents went home the 1st time & 2 days before I was about to stop taking the anti-seizure meds. I recall this day. Holy hell.

"...and on that night I ripped all my previous journal entries out and threw them away b/c after reading them I realized #1 so many of them seemed ridiculous & inconsequential & no longer the truth, and #2 the thought that if this were to be my end, I'd not want someone to come across the useless crap I'd written while taking care of my belongings. What a strange thought to have: I may die. What has to happen in our brains, to our psyche, to our will for us to concede and allow death to become a valid possibility?"

First, I'm sad I discarded those pages. #1 is BS - so maybe I didn't feel the same later, etc but it's how I felt and what I thought *at that moment* in time so it IS valid. And then that whole feeling of death. Sheesh. Not something I want to go back to so excuse me while I softly rest my hand on my heart to feel it beating as I often did during my recovery. To feel my heart beating at night and in the morning was nothing but a simple check that meant I was truly still alive in some form. I feel I've moved through, or am still moving through, a bit of a transitional period. Of figuring out a lot of stuff. Of a new awakening, awareness, and reality. It's surreal. Some scary $hit can go on in the noggin. It's also odd how any time I think of my accident, the thoughts go to my clavicle, the surgery, my plate, etc. But really... while that sucked too... the skull fracture is what gave me these feelings of death. The oozing of stuff out my ear, stuff dripping down my throat at night. And that horrible, horrible pain I felt even while highly medicated that made me think this is what Munch's Scream is all about and this is the start of schizophrenia. Ah, the brain. My little onion.

I've been out of sorts, continuing along, but struggling - in waves.. sometimes fine, other times less than fine, but really still ok as compared to even just a couple months prior. I am thankful for my life and have much goodness in it. Been having a really difficult time focusing & throwing myself into things like I used to though. I don't think it's that I don't care... it's something I'm unable to explain. I'm in major want of having someone's arms wrapped around me and just being supported & maybe that's one of the keys --> to feel that acceptance and support even if he/she doesn't fully understand all this. It's like I'm peeling an onion layer and handing it to someone who looks back and asks, "What is THAT? What do you want me to do with it?" And all I can do is blankly stare and say I don't know. I thought maybe you'd know. It seems like it was once useful, but maybe it's not so do we toss it? turn it into compost? play catch with it? does it even matter?

Saturday, February 26, 2011


I dwell in the shadow of giants, enveloped by a canopy of dank, dark suppression. Roots fed abundantly with fear, ignorance, insecurities, negativity, judgment. I live here, yet it is not home. Discomfort, aggression, unsettled wanderings, doubt, pain, loneliness. It is theirs. And yet, I stay.

But I've heard you. Through every sweet breath that scatters leaves and sets limbs in motion. I've glimpsed your flicker through the massive boughs, shimmers of brilliant light dancing on the forest floor. Your warmth comforts me as the tears course down my cheek & fall to the earth, fodder for the roots of my despair. I reach for you. You slip away.

I am here. I have always been here and keep your flame ignited. Rise and be known. I will not reside with you among the death and decay, shadowed and stunted. Rise and be known. It is your choice.

I try. I fail. I try. I fail again. But the roots have become hungry as their nutrients wane with each of my attempts to stand tall. I feel their leeching, yet my sustenance is rarely useful for them anymore. As their tendrils die off and join the ground, I gather the hollowed logs to fuel my sacred fire, building the once mere flicker into energy that swirls and courses through my veins. Here it resides, compressed, and waits.
Once the heart is opened it cannot be closed.
Fear not and be known.
Trust. Believe. 
Expose. Accept. And Love.
Let your heart be known. To others. ~ ~ To Yourself. ~ ~
Stepping out into the vast, open space, you smile broadly and greet me. Taking my hand, we are finally one. You have always been here. 
I wait no more.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Osho #29: Trust

As these things go, it's really unbelievable, yet so perfect, that trust is my next Osho to write about. I'm dealing with major trust stuff right now. Ridiculous stuff that's pissing me off. And yet being pissed off isn't doing anything other than pissing me off even more. ;-) Hurumph.....



ok, ok, too simple, but really. anyway...

Trust that....

... you are stronger than you could ever imagine. When you think you've reached your limit, you haven't. Try a teensy bit more because you can. When your muscles are shaking, your heart is aching, your brain has turned to mush, feel the sensations, hang out, and know that whatever you're feeling isn't how it will always be. Enjoy, surrender, and say thank you. Trust that this isn't the rest of your life.

... there will be relationships that leave you feeling completely exposed and vulnerable. But eventually you will realize how incredibly much you learned from that person and about yourself and you will look back and say thank you. And also... open yourself up to trust again (please), even knowing you can feel pain again. Open your heart. Let others back in. Trust that finding a connection with another person, the feelings you can find, the depth you can explore, and the beauty you can experience are so worth risking the potential of hurt.

!!! ... we have fears that defy logic & can frustrate the living shit out of us. We can meet them and cower. We can try to force them out or even ignore them. It's only when we accept them and say, "hello, nice to meet you. let's sit and chat for a while" & welcome them into our space that they can be transformed into a catalyst for growth and strength.

... you are not alone.

... your friends love you. and while they want to see you try and succeed, they'll love you no less no matter what happens.

... there is a constant ebb and flow in life. Expect it. Plan on it. Enjoy & celebrate the joyous moments. Don't freak out about the sad, angry, or negative times. This too shall pass.   This too, shall pass.

... there are teachers everywhere around us. Listen to them. Cherish them. They may see things in you that make you feel raw and a bit too known for your own liking, but if you allow them in you'll be rewarded richly.

... who you are is beautiful. You may not be perfect, you may not be satisfied with where you're at in life, but as long as you're alive, not just living, but ALIVE, you.are.beautiful. Rock On.

... trusting yourself, believing in yourself... these things can be terribly difficult. But trust that to the very core of your being you always have yourself and it's best to cultivate a generous relationship there and give yourself a chance to have your own back. You do. You will. Trust it.

Friday, February 11, 2011


I have a new porch rail. Love. It.

What do you see?
Mmmm hmmm... the obvious to begin with. Bike wheels. Yep. That they are. The tie to cycling is absolutely there and the perfect place to start as it's been a piece of who I am for more years than I can remember. Memories of happy times, feeling exhausted yet SO alive, pushing through pain and finding that new burst of energy, seeing breathtaking views and sights that took me in, consuming me much more than driving past and witnessing. My bike has been my vehicle at many times in my life. From simple commutes to the store, to work, to a friend's, to a few weeks spent cycling around Vermont carrying our tents & sleeping bags & supplies in panniers and knowing what it feels like to go 3mph up a mountain pass, weighted only by a few necessities & powered only by the energy contained within. Oh My God was that an amazing trip of sun, warmth, hail, snow, rain, beers, laughs, kindness, and winging life completely. Such joy. To the Colorado ride where I swore I was insane to keep going, knees aching unimaginably each morning as we climbed a minimum of one mountain pass a day and my entire psyche was just trashed and dimmed. Yet I finished. And oddly now think, meh... maybe I should try that again (wtf??? nooooooooooo). So many fantastic rides. And then also... pain. fear. more pain. a horrendous head-splitting time & the ahhhh shot to the skull. a few nights wondering if i was going to wake in the morning as I felt the oozing of my brain (seriously... grossest thing ever. ever.) as it healed (thank God). This, too, is cycling. And the wheels represent all of this. The good and the bad. It's a part of my life. A part of who I am. A part of what's made my body strong and lithe. A part of what's kept my brain (relatively) sane. An outlet. A goal. An achievement. And my friend.

We're conceived, we live, we die, we go back to the earth. And for something else, the cycle starts all over again. Over and over. Which is also how we are in life. What i do, what i say, these things are very rarely only a part of my little world. Like the spokes on the wheel, everything is connected. I may not always realize how pieces of me impact others, or the result can also be right in front of me, but regardless, we're all connected in some way. Sharing the air we breathe, the water we drink & that makes up the majority of our bodies, the soil on which some of us tread lightly and others trash to holy hell. We're all part of something much larger and on it goes.
And motion. Wheels are motion just as life is a constantly evolving, dynamic, fluid continuum. Rolling forward, backwards, sometimes standing still, but always there's the inevitable movement again. They're a vehicle to assist us in our path of life and will easily roll over rocks and boulders and all kinds of obstacles. But beware the muck as here we can get stuck. Beware standing in one place for too long as the repetition can wear away the foundation and carve a deep trench. Move on. In some way, always move on.

Wheels also have a center, that if knocked out of balance causes us to sit up and take stock. And it's ok. Feel it for a while. Maybe the center has shifted. Maybe a little more weight is needed here to relieve the tension from somewhere else. And just as truing a wheel puts it back in balance, we also strive to find what is true for ourselves and find our center.

How beautiful that wheels are a continual circle with neither a beginning nor an ending. They are eternity, unity, wholeness, perfection, connection. How I love connection. The edge around the circle is also a boundary. Boundaries are good, necessary really, but they should guide, protect, and keep us safe vs being restrictive, unyielding, or finite.

And so we should allow ourselves the freedom to travel and explore with a boundary of safety as we rebalance our lives and find what's true in our center. To find this endless connection with ourselves and all other beings. To know that when we feel stuck, finding a bit of stillness, then standing in the open and waiting for the gentlest of breezes to move us in a new direction may be all that's needed to take us to places we'd have never imagined otherwise. The world is open and it is ours in which to play. Hop on & let it roll.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Osho #28: New Moon Love

There's a constant ebb and flow to most areas in our lives: we're not always happy, energized, and cheerful, nor are we (hopefully) always sad, worried, or bleh. Whereas the Full Moon offers action and light, The New Moon offers space and a time for reflection to reassess the love we have for ourselves and for those in our lives.

Not everyone views life as a playground as I do. As something that allows for exploration, expansion, feelings where maybe there shouldn't be feelings, actions where maybe there shouldn't be actions. Relationships are so important to me. Closeness of all sorts. And I'm typically quite cautious to know where we all stand and ride that ebb and flow while getting to know friends of all sorts better. And then sometimes we toe the line & later wonder: hmmm, well, don't regret that, but did I harm the relationship in any way? The hope is always that what we do and say brings us closer to those we care about, whether friend, partner, or family member.

And so this whole New Moon Love. Cycling through every 4ish weeks, we have the new moon. A time for new beginnings. A time to look at those I've allowed into my heart to shift and move and feel things out. Do you want to stay? Do you want to go? I'll never hold you there against your wish, but there's a spot for you if you want it. I truly love my friends dearly, some moreso than others, but regardless... if I've created this space in my heart for you, I feel some sort of love for you.

Most of the people I know would not be comfortable discussing such things. Telling their feelings for me, nor hearing of my feelings for them. I'm aware of this. And so I restrain. I'm aware many people are afraid to trust closeness. They protect themselves. Even if they do feel love, they're not often ok admitting it. Whether it's embarrassing, it makes them feel too vulnerable, it's opening up too much, or really....they simply don't really give a $hit in this way for their friends.... regardless, this is so not me. If I decide I respect you, if I want to be close with you no matter if it's male or female, platonic or more.... if you touch my heart and I let you into my world then you're in. And I know I'm extremely sensitive & have little tolerance for feeling I've damaged a relationship. I'm questioning this very thing right now and I hate it. I am told no, but I don't feel that. I want a big-a$$, warm, full hug that tells me everything is ok as words aren't resonating. And so our New Moon last week brought in new experiences, and with that new closeness and sharing. It's always interesting when a relationship is taken to a deeper level. There's a period of not quite knowing if a closer connection has been formed, or if it'll return to how it was, or potentially even lessen. But regardless, I look forward to March's New Moon and hope to feel more love for myself and my actions and look back to say I didn't damage any relationships, but mended or deepened some instead. This is always my hope.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Osho #27: Labels

I had a rather long-winded writing on this Osho, then removed it. In short: this isn't worth giving much time to, nor do you get to know some of the things about me that I wrote. ;-)

Labels. Good? Bad? Positive? Negative? They just are. The smart one. The creative one. The pretty one. The crazy one. The insecure one. None of us are just one anything. Nor are we all of that one thing. We're not creative in every area of our lives. We may be smart in many ways, but it doesn't keeping us from doing stupid things sometimes.

We label others, others give them to us, & some we give to ourselves. In the end they're nothing more than what they sound like: labels. A little machine we type words into and then punch out with a sticky backing to place on the object. It's up to us to decide whether to glue them on more permanently or simply peel off and discard. Read yours. Consider them. Then decide what to do with them.

And ask yourself: how would you feel about typing out the words you're thinking of someone and sticking this on their back? Does this make you a better person or in any way help them? Be wise, observant, caring, and kind. Bring people into your life who you can benefit & who benefit you, but leave the labels to the monkeys to stick on random things, because really... what's the point?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Osho #26: Playing a Role

Feed the baby. Bathe the baby. Change the diaper. Time for baby to sleep. Upon expulsion into this world, we're helpless & at the mercy of our parents. And so the puppetry begins. The baby is crying: must make that stop. Feed her. Change her diaper. Shake the rattle. But stop the crying. I'd like to see the baby smile and laugh so make silly faces, odd sounds, somehow taunt the baby into lifting the corners of his mouth and then OH PRAISE! He has learned to do what I asked! That's a good baby.

As we grow a bit older and walk and talk and have independent thoughts, we're molded even more to be what our parents would like. Don't touch that. 8pm is your bedtime. Eat your carrots. Dinner guests are coming, be on your best behavior. That outfit doesn't match, wear this. Dance for me puppet, dance. Play the piano like a good girl. Do this. Don't do that.

For years and years we play the role of the child, yet are rarely allowed to truly embrace our age and color the crap out of the living room wall with finger paint, or roll around in the mud because it just feels SO damn good to be covered in filth and muck. No no little puppet. I said dance for me. Sing for me. Don't try to break the strings else you'll be sent to your room, spanked, scorned.

At some indeterminate age we start to venture out and explore, but the strings aren't detached, they've just been re-tied. Everyone is doing it. Drink beer. Try drugs. Smoke. Have sex. Dance, oh but NOT like that you freak, only this way. On to the working world we're good employees. We make our bosses happy. We please our peers. We follow the company rules. We gotta make that buck and move on up. Just like everyone else. You don't want to move up? Must mean you're lazy, have no goals, surely you're not very ambitious.

We date, we love, we attract others. We've explored new things and are starting to feel the real us come out. Others are drawn to our independence. Drawn to the way we view the world & fascinated by our brains that don't operate like everyone else. And we begin to share those puppet strings and think maybe now. Now I have a partner to not direct me, but to dance with me and bond himself with me as we're drawn closer together. But these same things that drew the person to us begin to come apart at the seams, to tangle, and we feel that familiar tug to move over just a bit toward the mainstream. Toward what they want from us. Our separate interests were once encouraged & made us unique. Now we're taking too much time from the relationship. Finding space for ourselves is threatening the strength of our togetherness. We've been riding an edge that our partner is no longer willing to step alongside.

So go ahead and pull my strings. Offer up that same steady nudge to become more like you want me to be. Make me into your perfect mate. The one who fulfills your insecurities, who does what you want, who thinks as you do. Let's become just like everyone else. "Normal" couples. I've been here. I've done this. It's familiar. I can offer my limp body to your whims and dance when you want and be still when you want. I can do this. Yes, I have done this.

But I'm done.

It can be good to expand with your mate, please your parents, drop what you're doing to comfort a dear friend, to hold a good job that pays the bills, and to have some sense you are a part of the rest of the world. But by our own choice. I've snipped those strings & in their place are the finest strands of silk like a spider's web. They're light and effortless and follow my body with a fluid grace that's intoxicating and draws you to my world. But tread carefully, my love. These silken threads are tough, but gently caress them and play them like a beautiful violin, else be left holding a reminder of me that softly falls to the ground as I drift from you, floating back to my sacred space of all that makes me who I am and holds the future to who I am becoming.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Yoga is Sex

Oh yeah, there are some who would read that title and think wow, you dirty, dirty girl. I, for one, don't think of sex as something that's taboo, that's too embarrassing to talk about, that's slutty. Sex is energy, life, release, and expansion. Yoga is sex. Sometimes. Tonight. And in those times it's fricking amazing.

Now, let's start with a fairly obvious and not surprising statement: many yoga instructors have beautiful bodies. Ok? They just do. But more than that, there are some who are much more than just pleasing to look at. And when you can feel someone's internal energy, strength, vitality, and openess and allow yourself to join them at this level, you can be in for one helluva ride. There are times I've hated classes. Almost from the very start, I know if I connect with the instructor or not. And I push through, but leave feeling almost pissed and annoyed. There are also times it's more just about the physical movement. There are times I start to feel something emotional happening, and I freak out and flail and kill it. And then, oh then, there are times I'm so THERE. It's not the brain working. In fact, like most things I find in this realm, the brain is hanging out on autopilot and letting the rest of something (what? what IS it?) take over and you become a part of something much larger than yourself. You're sharing in the beauty that's both inside you and in the others around you. You ride the wave of energy as it swirls and dips and massages your core with a fluid grace that gently guides you to a different plane. And if you stay there, it's bliss. Absolute and total bliss. I promise.

And it's sex. Pure organic sex. The kind of sex I hope everyone has experienced. There's no going through the motions, no self-consciousness, no nervousness. Noooo. It's the kind you have with someone you are incredibly connected to. You share each other's energy and transfer it back and forth, moving it around, feeling it snake through your body as your brain shuts off and your body takes over. You explore, you give in, you surrender, and you're taken to a place of utter euphoria. And after you just melt and find peace and love and an openess like none other. This is sex. This is also, my friends, yoga.

I often wonder how people can say they don't like yoga. Or it's not something they'd want to try. Holy man are they missing out. And of course, these amazing experiences don't happen every single time. I may never leave the yoga studio otherwise. :-) But knowing they can, knowing they do... yeah..... that alone is reason to continue on this path. I have a particular love for heart openers of all sorts. (hee hee love. heart openers. yep) And for me, it's these poses that expose me and offer up this freedom.

It makes me sad to be around people who are closed off. Who can't or won't put themselves out there and take the risk associated with exploring their bodies, giving their hearts, and letting themselves be known. I understand many of the why's. I have been there. I cherish those people who have joined me up here in this space. And I enter it and then step out, then come back to it. But every single time it welcomes me back with open arms and then surrounds me with such warmth and support that I feel safe, strong, held, and loved.

It is beauty.
It is joy.
It is strength.
It is vitality.
And it is me.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

...and some other things i know (that i kinda wish i didn't, though sometimes it's not so bad)

1. Along with the joy of owning a dog (or most any pet really) and loving and caring for it, there comes a time when you may have to make the decision to put them to sleep. The anguish and despair you feel in having to make this decision is one of the most difficult things you are likely to ever have to do. (Though I also know we can find peace in knowing it is in their best interest.) And then if you decide to have her cremated and the ashes returned to you, you may become one of those creepy people who holds onto said ashes. ;-) I also know: when the time is right I will spread them in a favorite hiking spot and set her free.
2. People we are close to die. People we are close to will die. We will also die.
3. Checking out of life may be ok for a short time, but it's kind of a short existence so it's better to get your head out of your a$$ sooner rather than later.
4. You cannot pick your parents. You CAN choose whether or not to have them in your life and to what extent. But in the end, they ARE your parents and there's something to be said for that. They may also drop what they're doing without being asked & fly quickly to come take care of you for a few months if you need them.
5. Paying for car repairs sucks.
6. People and animals sometimes get diseases and illnesses that are not curable. It's hard to accept you cannot fix them, but you really do need to come to that realization else spend ungodly amounts of time searching the web for a cure on your own.
7. The same person who can bring you the absolute highest highs and incredible joys may also be the one who causes you the most pain. This, however, does not mean finding the right relationship is impossible, but it may make you question your sanity and intelligence. ;-)
8. Half-assing your way through life will provide a lackluster result.
9. You may give everything you've got into a relationship and it may still not be enough (for that person...carry on....).
10. Sometimes we hurt people we love and end a relationship because it is the right decision for ourselves. Hopefully both people eventually realize it was correct.
11. Sometimes we are not strong enough to put an end to something even though we know we want/need/have to. It would be best to act on this, but if you let it carry on, be prepared for much hell and hope you wake up before it completely destroys who you are inside.
12. If you allow yourself to hang in a situation that destroys you, you may sink to a place you never knew existed. Even though no one can reach you, it's imperative you reach out to someone, most anyone and press on. This too shall pass. And then don't you ever dare let yourself go there again.
13. It can take 40 years to find what *home* means to you. 40 frickin' years. But at least 40 vs never.
14. Opening yourself up to someone may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Many people never, ever do this. And be aware this vulnerability opens the door to the potential for a lot of pain so be WISE in who you do this with. With the wrong person it can be a nightmare. With the right person it can take you to places so lovely you no longer feel you're on the same plane as the rest of the world. Do it. But be smart about it.
15. If you lose your sense of self (or don't have it to begin with) you will have no one to turn to when the world implodes. You are the only one you can 100% count on. Period. Guard your *self* with everything you're worth.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Things I Know

Wowsers is all I'll say. Been one heck of an interesting start to 2011 & I can't exactly say all that I'm feeling at this moment, except that it's a helluva lot of things all at once.

But, there are some things that keep going through my mind:

1. Just because you figure out what you want and don't want in your life, it doesn't make it easy to achieve.
2. Many people come and go in our lives, but there are some who will always be a piece of you.
3. Sometimes making the right decision for ourselves hurts like holy hell.
4. You can fall in love with someone and always love someone, but that doesn't mean they will love you back in the same way nor be in your world.
5. When you find what home means to you, you will return to it over and over. And it may change, but it will never leave you.
6. It is critically important to figure out what home means to you.
7. It is critically important to love yourself.
8. Sometimes you will physically heal from an accident rather quickly, but the mental and emotional impacts are the much more difficult parts to get through.
9. It is not a feeling I would wish on anyone to go to bed at night feeling like you may very well not wake up the next morning..
10. Some of the most hurtful and painful life experiences can shake you to your core, but can also make you learn things about yourself you would never have realized otherwise.
11. Even people who seem to be so together and have everything figured out have their own insecurities and things they struggle with.
12. It is ok to give someone a second chance, but when you're working on the 4th, 5th, 6th time, you need to realize it is what it is and walk away no matter how much it kills you at the moment.
13. Sometimes you meet someone who almost instantly seems to know you and vice versa.
14. It is ok to be a trusting person and always look for the positive in people, but listen carefully to your gut feel as it is 99% of the time spot on.
15. When things feel overwhelming and you don't see how you're ever going to feel happy again, check in and not out, cry or be pissed, but trust in your strength and know you will be ok.
16. Know that it's ok to make mistakes. The only failure is in not trying & not learning.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Osho #25: Happiness

Well sheesh. I mean, endless books can be written on the subject of happiness. I'm going to keep this brief. Mmmm hmmmm. me. brief. miracles can happen. ;-)  (note afterward: so much for that [lack of] miracle...not so brief) :-D

We control our own happiness. And we need to be our own biggest cheerleaders. This is especially fitting for me at this very moment. I let myself get pulled away from *me*, from what I want for myself, from the person I feel I'm becoming. I gave in. Again. And I can sit here and feel like a victim, but I'm not. And at the end of the day, I'm not happy because of myself. I am doing this to me. Period.


We can bitch and moan that things aren't how we want them to be, that we gave in to someone or something when we KNEW it wasn't for our greater good, that in whatever way we've turned our backs on those firm things we KNOW we DO want for ourselves, but No one else owns us but ourselves. We're never, ever stuck. No matter what the situation, there's a way out. If you don't think so, then you may as well lay down and give up now. There's always hope for each and every one of us, even if we don't exactly know how to get where we want to be, even if we don't exactly know what will bring us joy... keep going. Keep looking inward. Discover. Try things. Fail and move on. But don't sit still & smile when you know damn well that smile is superficial and inside you feel pain, emptiness, and longing.

I'm not implying this is easy stuff. Shit no. Look at God. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. I really, really try. And recently, I really balls out fail. Dumbass And uh huh... one of my goals this year is to decrease or do away w/the self-deprecation, but it's warranted right now. Dumbass. It really is. I'm at least in a better place than before. I do know some things I for sure want, but need to get stronger at staying away those things that will pull me from them. I'm getting there. Slowly. Dumbass. ;-)

And so I'm looking inside, but am also f-i-n-a-l-l-y gathering my ideas to manifest some of the happiness I want on the outside in the form of my home & yard. It's time to plant my garden. It's time to have my new porch built. It's time to get my shit together and get rid of all this disorder and chaos in my life b/c it's me, yet it's so so so not. The weeds need to go. The disarray needs to go. It feels so incredibly overwhelming, but isn't this also the same inside? For sure. I'm creating. And part of that means ripping apart what's already there which is harder than starting from scratch & honestly, the idea of a blank slate scares the living crap out of me! And I know I'm going to fail. There will be things that don't grow. There will be aesthetics that don't end up looking like what I'd imagined. But so what? Try again, learn to like something I didn't know I would, laugh about it. But try.

I truly believe that when I look at my environment and can say it's going somewhere, I have a plan, I'm cultivating things.... only then will I also feel the same on the inside. It's all related. It always has been.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Impaction --> Absorption

A raindrop falls from a branch, disturbing the puddle's glassy surface as it ripples toward the edge
and I think this is how life often is.

We enter into newness and make a mark. We're known, we're seen, we bring life and motion.
How then to avoid the seemingly inevitable consummation into the indistinguishable masses of the ordinary and mundane?

Osho #24: Authority

I read this title a few days ago and sighed and thought, well shit... I have nothing to say on this and don't feel like writing on it. Seems to be the case w/a number of these Osho meditations, but on we go.

I'll start by saying the first thought I had on authority was in the traditional sense of authority over us & I don't like it. Never have. I was one hell of a kid during junior high and high school. Holy crap did I lash out and fight against most any time my parents tried to keep me in line, told me I couldn't do something, or tried to get me to do something I didn't want to do. To this day, both Mom and Dad say they'd gladly have taken 10 of my brothers over me as I was a giant pain in the a$$. :-))) You tell me I can't do it and regardless of whether I really wanted to or not, I'd figure out a way to do it. I don't, however, find this type of writing on authority to be of much interest at this stage in my life. I've grown just a bit, thankfully.

What's more fitting now is to break this word down and connect with it's root: author. To author. To give myself the freedom and expansion to write my own life. I love this. We ALL control our own destiny. Well, yeah, certain things are out of our control. We can't force people to respond to us in a certain way. We can't predict all of life's ups and downs. But we absolutely can decide to show up for life and to the best of our ability to create the life we want. To be the person we want to be. You can sit and complain and wish things were different, but where the hell does that get you? Nowhere. Now, sometimes it's helpful to have a little bitch session and get things off our chests - I'm a huge proponent of that. But you HAVE to take action. That can mean moving on. That can mean trying something new. That can mean approaching someone. It can mean putting yourself out there. A million things depending on the problem. But at the end, we control our own life. We write our own chapters.

I got hung up on some financial stuff for a while thinking it sucked to have a tiny home in an expensive area, a horse whose monthly board bill plus medicine was killing my savings, etc etc. But in the end, I'm choosing to keep Mimo alive. I don't have to. I could have him euthanized as his disease isn't curable. But this isn't what I want to do. not yet. It will be someday. But not yet. So I finally sucked it up and decided I can't use this as an excuse to feel *stuck*. I have to remind myself of that a lot b/c honestly, I'd likely not still be living in Austin if I didn't have Mimo. But I'm not looking at this as him holding me back anymore. It's a choice. I can still move to Europe someday. If I really, really wanted to right now, I 100% know I'm resilient enough to figure out how to make it happen. So the fact is I either don't want it bad enough right now, there's not a big enough reason to do it, or it's just not the right time yet. Same with the house. I go back and forth on selling it, but finally decided to have this porch added b/c I want to enjoy it fully while i still own it. Life is so much about timing and I AM writing my own life. If there's something I want to do, I have an ungodly amount of stubbornness inside that will ensure I will always figure out a way.

I do know there are times I can bummed out and feel my life is all bleh and I'm not owning it, but by and large, i DO feel I'm authoring it. I'm writing it. hee hee.... I mean, here I am actually writing so i like that tie as well. But the things I want for my future... for me it's more a task of figuring those things out b/c I have ideas, but nothing I'm necessarily moving toward and making happen quite yet. And that's a problem for me.

I'll turn that into a challenge: knowing I can write the chapters to the rest of my life, what do I want them to look like?

I want peace. I want joy. I want beauty. I want to see new places and be blown away by what's out there. I want to maintain my deep friendships and grow new ones. I want love. Yes. I want love. I have love. But I want it with someone who is right for me and free to give it all back. I want to be who I feel I am inside and for others to feel that. I want to make a difference in the world. Even if it's a difference in only one person's world, it's worthwhile. I want to be strong - physically, mentally, emotionally. And finally, I want to push past those things that seem like boundaries - again, physically, mentally, emotionally. The times I've fought and stayed with something I didn't think I could possibly do and kept trying are the the times I learned so much more about myself than I could have ever imagined. We all need to do this. You take the risk of failure and hurt, but you know.... to read someone's life story that contains nothing but winning and positives, it's kinda boring. It's the hard times and struggles that are fascinating and to be forever cherished b/c it's in those moments that we are vulnerable and cracked open that we find our depth of character and write the most amazing chapters of our lives.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Osho #23 Essentials

Mr. Osho would like us to discuss Essentials. I think this is one I'll have to come back to a number of times as my thoughts aren't formulated too well yet, but I've put off writing on it long enough. This delay in writing is, in and of itself, something to note.


Trust. Love. Trust love.

So far these seem to be the only absolute essentials I can think of other than the obvious food and all that.

Love of friends, love in an intimate relationship, love of self, love of being alive. There are an abundance of ways love can be manifested, and really, at this moment I have not much else to say other than seek it, find it, give it space, but guard it. We need more love in our lives.

Trust is huge. Huge. HUGE! Trust in oneself, trust in friends/family, trust in our partner... immensely important for any type of relationship. And yes, we most certainly DO have a relationship with ourselves. It's really the most important relationship ever. I'm not true to myself many times. Ok, well, maybe that's not exactly accurate. I'm more true to my heart than my head is a better way to state that. So there's a distinction: trust in the heart and trust in the head. Which one is usually right? Again, maybe this isn't the real question: which one should we listen to when they conflict? How can you trust two sources of yourself that are frantically waving their hands in the air shouting PICK ME! PICK ME!!! Yet when you look down their legs are violently kicking the other. My answer is to trust both. I first thought the heart is always right. And I believe that from the feeling perspective, even if sometimes it's convoluted and not what first seems obvious. But then, the head.. gotta trust the head as well it seems. So many times there are separate answers about the same thing; both can be trusted. Both are real and true. I think of the lyrics from a Radiohead song: just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there. The head most often tells me what I *should* want/feel/like/love. It tells me the things that are in my best interest. It's logic. It's data. It's "hey dumbass.... you keep doing this and you're gonna get hurt". The head is a wise owl, constantly trying to keep us in line. I trust my head to be the smart one in this body. The heart sure as shit is not. The heart holds onto things it should release. Greedy little organ it is. Just when you think you're over a situation, person, etc the heart will open that tiny little door and BAM! Surprise! It was just hidden among all the other little goodies it has stashed away to hit you with when you least expect it. The heart is quite the (evil) joker in this way. Should we trust it? Well, unfortunately in these cases, yes. But maybe not at face value. What it's making you feel is often not exactly what you think. True, you may miss a person and think oh crap, guess i was wrong, i really can't live happily without him. But what's often more true is you miss certain things about the person. The good things. The feelings you had. The closeness. The intimacy. The feeling of being so f'n alive. yeah yeah.. sometimes it's the overall package and the heart gets it right and this is goodness. But many times we have scars. Things from long ago that are still sore spots. They've hurt you. Or they've left you empty. Or they've never been there in the first place and you're yearning. They're unfulfilled things you seek out of a relationship. So be wary if you think it's always tied to one concrete person. One concrete situation, etc. It's more often that the wounded heart has things it desperately wants to fill, and it'll use whatever pawns it can find to try to make you aware of them. I really believe the majority of issues stem from something buried. So trust the heart, but question its motives & dig deeper into what it's trying to say. And then, also trust when it's telling you that it's right. That this is it.

Ah, ok, and touching. It's craved. It's needed. I'm not necessarily talking about in a sexual way here. A warm, deep hug from a friend when you're down may not fix the issue, but holy man does it feel good and make you feel held in the physical and emotional sense. We need this. There are some who say no, they disagree. I think they're closed off and not willing to let themselves feel b/c it can be a vulnerable, scary place.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Osho #22: Love's Fragility

Let's start by getting something clear. I don't like the title of this meditation whatsoever. I've thought about it off and on since first reading the title last night and my thoughts keep going back to saying a huge THAT'S B.S. MR. OSHO! ;-) I respectfully disagree.

Now, we can say the heart is fragile (some of our hearts are fragile as all getout actually). The ego is fragile. Life is fragile. I can think of a million things that I'd agree can be termed fragile. But not love. Nuh uh. Love is freakin' powerful, strong, and vast.

What would you do for love? The jaded may say "not much. it's not worth it." But really, What.Would.You.Do.For.Love???? There isn't much I WOULDN'T do for the damn thing. I almost destroyed myself for it once, which some may fingerpoint and say "see! see! it's fragile!" but I think it's the opposite. It is so powerful that people (me) are willing to reach into the deepest places within themselves and hold on to it and give and give even when there doesn't seem to be anything left to give. Hell, people have died for love. And people have also been moved to incredible heights because of love.

Almost to a fault, I'm an intensely protective person. You hurt someone I care for and I'm not going to stand by and let you have at them. It's love that powers me in this way. It can make me almost get my ex in a bar fight b/c a friend was being wronged by an a$$hole. (oops :-) ) It can make me not even think twice of jumping kicking and punching into the middle of 3 dogs attacking Katja to keep her safe (mmm, never said love was smart...).

And it can hurt us. Oh my God it can hurt us. It can make us so miserable we're left sobbing, feeling our heart has been ripped from our chest and tossed aside, a few shards of glass ground into the poor thing for good measure. And it does feel like this sometimes. Trust me. But even with this, the good in love, the potential for finding the good in love, it's so amazing that most of us press on and are willing to open ourselves to it again and again, knowing the risks.

People say love is fragile and we need to handle it with care. I say it's all the other stuff related to love that needs to be handled with care. When it's all said and done, even if someone hurts us incredibly, we may feel disrespected, we may feel angry, we may feel hurt, but does it make us stop loving? For me, no. It's always there, if nothing more than a buried thread that has only the slightest hum of life left in it, it's there. It doesn't go away. You can't fix it. You can't turn it on and off at will. (unfortunately. seriously. many of us would be better off if we had that power) You can choose to walk away from a situation because it's not right for you, but can you say you are walking away from love? From being *in love* with someone, 100% for sure. HUGE distinction there. But do you no longer have any love for that person? Maybe I'm in the minority here, a bleeding heart, a big ole sap, but it doesn't go away. The capacity we have to move mountains for the sake of love puts it at the pinnacle of the mound of emotions. Many things are fickle. Fleeting. Vapid. Love, true love for another, becomes a part of us and intertwines itself throughout our bodies so that it's impossible to separate it and remove it as a separate entity. We are love.

So, fragile? I think not. Not by a longshot.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Osho#21: Be Like a Child

Well holy shit and shinola!!!!!!!!! I looked at the title of this next Osho last night and thought: well sheesh, that's a boring, easy one to write about. As I sit here now on January 1, 2011, this may just become my mantra for 2011. Who woulda thunk it?

I'm feeling giddy about this Be Like a Child deal. Giddy. It's SO perfect for one of the major things I want to work on for myself: letting go and being who I truly am. I've lived most of my life being withdrawn, shy, afraid of failure, and not feeling comfortable enough in my own body and with who I am to let myself shine. I have moments of satisfaction and pride, but they're quickly surpassed by this underlying feeling of not being enough. I should be more x, I should do more y. Maybe some of it is true, but so what? Accept where I'm at and focus on modifying rather than beating myself up over it.

So Be Like a Child. Hells yeah!

--> it's time to explore the world with the eyes of a child, full of wonder and interest and using the innate curiosity I have inside. To question my surroundings, to find beauty in what may seem trivial, and to be more aware of the things in my world.

--> it's time to live in this world with the exuberance of a child. This, sadly, is something I *wish* I could say I had that got dashed, but I don't ever recall feeling this way. I see many children behave this way though, so I know it's common. To go toward something new, not shrink away from it. To think it's ok to play with something for a short bit and say, "I'm bored" and find something new. And then, maybe return back to the original thing with a new passion. or not. either way, it's ok. We have to try things out before we truly know if we like them or not. So go out and find new experiences, new places, and approach them with gusto.

--> ignore my appearance and let myself come through in my personality. I get hung up on this. I'm so, so, so self-critical about my fitness, wishing I was prettier, feeling inadequate in this way 99% of the time. F it. Who I am is on the inside, and while I still want to look good, finding my *own* sense of style and letting my personality play center stage is where it's at. Fitness is important to me and I do have a goal in that regard, but if I feel yucky for a week, so be it. It doesn't change who I am in my core. Kids wear whatever they want. I have pics of me dressed in hideous clothes, and ok, maybe I wasn't the one who chose them, but I also doubt I really cared. I just wanted to get outside to play, or get to the stable to ride, or go to a friend's house. Either way, appearance wasn't a focus.

--> find the child i never was. painfully shy as a kid, i went to see a special man in kindergarten. Mr. Szilvenus. I may have the spelling of his name wrong, but the phonetics are there. I wouldn't talk in class. Nothing. Not a peep. I was smart and often knew how to say a word the regular teacher was teaching, but my shyness held me back from answering. Always. It took a while for me to speak to Mr. Szilvenus. I remember he was patient and would sit and talk *to* me until the day I finally began to speak. And then I became friends with Hila, who would remain my best friend for years. And I came out of my shell a bit and from 1st grade on, I talked and was ok. This anecdote sums up who I've been my whole life: fearful, withdrawn, not fitting in. What happened on the outside, what others saw, wasn't who I felt I was inside, but I couldn't break the barrier. Especially not once it started. I recall Hila and I playing hopscotch one day and I yelled out a few of the numbers as we jumped upon them. My shocked classmates yelled out: I heard her talk! she talked! And I immediately clammed up and was horrified. Yes. The freak has spoken. I wish I'd have embraced that and let it have been the catalyst to prompt me forward, but not to be. So this long-winded passage is about taking back the inner child that wasn't really ever there. Not the one I knew, who was always critical of herself and couldn't be who she wanted to be for fear of others, but the one that many other people had: the one that doesn't give a shit if she fails, the one who doesn't really know much, but doesn't allow this to make her withdraw, but uses it to propel onward.

What's fascinating to me about this whole Be Like a Child bit is my discomfort with being around children. Ones that are at the talking age and communicate with adults. I'm terrified. I've always thought it's because I haven't been around many children and am not good with kids. But looking at this now, I think it's mostly related to the first: I never really felt like a normal kid so I don't really know how to connect with them! I mean, really? But this feels true. I have a lifetime of not feeling understood, of feeling different, of not feeling I truly fit in. Shouldn't this have been embraced? We're ALL unique! So why, for me, did it become a negative???

And so, today. I'd planned to do a New Year's Day bike ride, but my allergies are wreaking havoc. And I'd seen this yoga class a woman named Sanieh is hosting: Auspicious New Year Transition. She terms it as a no holds barred practice and:
this practice will be geared towards standing in all that is unreasonable and seemingly impossible bringing existence to both through vision and action! A full spectrum and scaled practice with live music, mantra and laughter!

Oh my God I'm so nervous about attending this, but it's in line with what I've been saying: step out of that comfort zone and be who I truly am, I WANT to want to go to this practice. I want to embrace it and feel excited about it. Because it sounds fun, different, creative, and exactly in line with the pieces I love from yoga: that I feel things happening on the outside AND inside that feel true and right for me. So F you fear. I may look like a dumbass, I may not be able to do many of what she teaches either b/c my body isn't strong enough or b/c of my collarbone injury, or even my mind isn't strong enough. But I have to at least try. No, I don't have to. I can continue to live as I've been living and shrink away from things like this, but I don't want to. So yeah, I guess I DO want to go to this practice and even if I feel like running into a corner and crying from feeling so stupid and uncoordinated and like everyone is watching me laughing (why would they??? why does this come to mind???) it's worth it for myself. To feel like a child. To approach it as something new and unknown and just test it out.
I'm terrified. :-) But smiling.


I sit here on the first day of 2011 and feel, well, about the same as on the last day of 2010. It's funny how we look to these times to provide some huge sense of change, but do they really? Change is often a much slower, gradual process. And so I will take that and my hope is this: by the END of 2011 I will feel a change vs today. A better change. A better person. A better, more fulfilled life. On that note, some focus areas:

* it's time to live! not just exist and breathe and be physically present in this world. but to be fully engaged, to be emotionally present, and be a part of something bigger than myself. I haven't donated much to charity these past few years largely due to financial constraints, but there's more I can do than write a check for a few thousand dollars. And it's OK! I've had this nagging feeling that unless I can give as much as I used to, that it's not enough. Hell yes it's enough. $5 is enough.

* surpass my shyness and be who I feel I am inside. I still find it interesting that so few people consider me a shy person. I can be social, I enjoy meeting people and getting to know them, can give work presentations just fine, etc. But inside, showing who I truly am, nuh uh. Scary shit. This shyness has held me back in life and I know that. I withdraw. I want to dance, yet am too embarrassed and so I sit. I want to explore new things, but that's putting myself out there. Hmmm, as I'm writing this I have to wonder: is what I've been terming a shyness really a fear of failure????? What I'm writing about seems more in line with that: I'm afraid to put myself out there b/c I don't want to be laughed at, don't want to seem incompetent, don't want to not be "good enough". Well, this is intriguing and whereas at first I blew off my next Osho as being much too simple to spend much time writing about, it's perfect for me right now: Be Like a Child.