Monday, June 20, 2011

Of Asking vs Owning

Yesterday morning during a few minutes of open practice, I chose to do headstand. I so slowly pulled myself up into what I know to be correct and could feel some wavering, but this is ok, and after a short amount of time I came down.

This morning at breakfast, Tim commented about my headstand, something to the effect that I just needed to refine it a bit. My response was this would have been good info to have had in the moment. And I received another lesson in why he is such a great teacher for me. He said he could tell I was deconstructing the pose & concentrating & doing it, but that I hadn't gotten to the point of feeling confident and busting out into the full, solid expression. And had he come over and interrupted, I'd surely have freaked out, come down, something other than just staying with it. But he also said that this will come. At some point I will move past the trepidatious approach. My immediate reaction was that he's right. As usual, he seems to know where I'm at and offers the exact support at the right time, and also knows when to just be there. And I also very much believe in his belief in me - that it will come. And I thought, but when?

Something was stirred. As I was writing later today it hit me that *when* is now. I have it. This is in me. I've just been asking the same question over and over and over. My lack of confidence overpowers me and my body throws a question to the universe, "Is it ok for me to try to come up into headstand?" YES, KRISTEN, IT IS OK. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE DONE THIS. And so begins the cautious rising of the legs, watching out for any sign of falling, and once up, holding it for a bit but not feeling secure, grounded, nor strong. And instead of elation, feeling that a favor has been granted by allowing me to accomplish something that was once scary to me.

I take issue with this. In the early stages, my approach was ok. To feel it out and ensure it's a safe space for me to play in. But now, I continue to ask permission over and over and over when it's been given to me already. And so it is with many other areas of my life. I dip my foot in the water, find it warm and inviting, then hop in. The next time, I dip my foot in again. Water is still warm and inviting, ok... in I go. To the water again. Still warm. One could logically conclude after enough iterations that it's safe to assume this body of water is warm and inviting. But no... I need to check it to be sure every single time, never just diving in and trusting that what it's shown me in the past will be there. So I can't enter by diving, nor doing a cannonball, a flip, leaping, anything that will elevate me or make it a new experience. It remains static & I cautiously lower myself into the pool while my growth remains immobile.

There was really a perfect culmination of two teachers. Sanieh saying to go to that area that scares you. To toe that line and step over into that space of discomfort, because it's from here that you'll grow, expand, and find what you're made of. I 100% believe in this. And Tim, recognizing where I'm at and respecting that I have to figure this out on my own. He can tell me to just do it, to own it, but this is mine to own. He saw I needed the tools a few months ago & showed me I already had everything I needed. And from that time he can keep telling me to grab the shovel, now I need the hoe, but really... it's up to me to figure this out and cultivate my garden in my own way as I want it to be organic, not filled with synthetic assistance that may make it look pretty for a while, but won't sustain what's beautifully growing and would cast a shadow that would kill the seeds germinating just below the surface.

So when is it time to quit expecting to be shot down? To quit asking for the same thing umpteen times when the answer given keeps being yes, yes, yes? And trust that yes will also be the answer the next time? When is it time to step into my own space, push myself a bit past my comfort zone, and thereby explore something subtly different, yet huge in the scheme of my psyche?

The time is now. With this, the time is now. Trust, move just beyond my comfort zone, and trust that my inner strength and resolve will continue to be there as they have been in the past. We are in control of our lives, our happiness, our peace. What we do, where we go, what we accomplish.. so much is in store for us if we quit asking for permission and own our lives. We are so strong and capable of so much more than we often think. But you'll never know unless you try.

The time is now.

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