Saturday, February 26, 2011


I dwell in the shadow of giants, enveloped by a canopy of dank, dark suppression. Roots fed abundantly with fear, ignorance, insecurities, negativity, judgment. I live here, yet it is not home. Discomfort, aggression, unsettled wanderings, doubt, pain, loneliness. It is theirs. And yet, I stay.

But I've heard you. Through every sweet breath that scatters leaves and sets limbs in motion. I've glimpsed your flicker through the massive boughs, shimmers of brilliant light dancing on the forest floor. Your warmth comforts me as the tears course down my cheek & fall to the earth, fodder for the roots of my despair. I reach for you. You slip away.

I am here. I have always been here and keep your flame ignited. Rise and be known. I will not reside with you among the death and decay, shadowed and stunted. Rise and be known. It is your choice.

I try. I fail. I try. I fail again. But the roots have become hungry as their nutrients wane with each of my attempts to stand tall. I feel their leeching, yet my sustenance is rarely useful for them anymore. As their tendrils die off and join the ground, I gather the hollowed logs to fuel my sacred fire, building the once mere flicker into energy that swirls and courses through my veins. Here it resides, compressed, and waits.
Once the heart is opened it cannot be closed.
Fear not and be known.
Trust. Believe. 
Expose. Accept. And Love.
Let your heart be known. To others. ~ ~ To Yourself. ~ ~
Stepping out into the vast, open space, you smile broadly and greet me. Taking my hand, we are finally one. You have always been here. 
I wait no more.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Osho #29: Trust

As these things go, it's really unbelievable, yet so perfect, that trust is my next Osho to write about. I'm dealing with major trust stuff right now. Ridiculous stuff that's pissing me off. And yet being pissed off isn't doing anything other than pissing me off even more. ;-) Hurumph.....



ok, ok, too simple, but really. anyway...

Trust that....

... you are stronger than you could ever imagine. When you think you've reached your limit, you haven't. Try a teensy bit more because you can. When your muscles are shaking, your heart is aching, your brain has turned to mush, feel the sensations, hang out, and know that whatever you're feeling isn't how it will always be. Enjoy, surrender, and say thank you. Trust that this isn't the rest of your life.

... there will be relationships that leave you feeling completely exposed and vulnerable. But eventually you will realize how incredibly much you learned from that person and about yourself and you will look back and say thank you. And also... open yourself up to trust again (please), even knowing you can feel pain again. Open your heart. Let others back in. Trust that finding a connection with another person, the feelings you can find, the depth you can explore, and the beauty you can experience are so worth risking the potential of hurt.

!!! ... we have fears that defy logic & can frustrate the living shit out of us. We can meet them and cower. We can try to force them out or even ignore them. It's only when we accept them and say, "hello, nice to meet you. let's sit and chat for a while" & welcome them into our space that they can be transformed into a catalyst for growth and strength.

... you are not alone.

... your friends love you. and while they want to see you try and succeed, they'll love you no less no matter what happens.

... there is a constant ebb and flow in life. Expect it. Plan on it. Enjoy & celebrate the joyous moments. Don't freak out about the sad, angry, or negative times. This too shall pass.   This too, shall pass.

... there are teachers everywhere around us. Listen to them. Cherish them. They may see things in you that make you feel raw and a bit too known for your own liking, but if you allow them in you'll be rewarded richly.

... who you are is beautiful. You may not be perfect, you may not be satisfied with where you're at in life, but as long as you're alive, not just living, but ALIVE, you.are.beautiful. Rock On.

... trusting yourself, believing in yourself... these things can be terribly difficult. But trust that to the very core of your being you always have yourself and it's best to cultivate a generous relationship there and give yourself a chance to have your own back. You do. You will. Trust it.

Friday, February 11, 2011


I have a new porch rail. Love. It.

What do you see?
Mmmm hmmm... the obvious to begin with. Bike wheels. Yep. That they are. The tie to cycling is absolutely there and the perfect place to start as it's been a piece of who I am for more years than I can remember. Memories of happy times, feeling exhausted yet SO alive, pushing through pain and finding that new burst of energy, seeing breathtaking views and sights that took me in, consuming me much more than driving past and witnessing. My bike has been my vehicle at many times in my life. From simple commutes to the store, to work, to a friend's, to a few weeks spent cycling around Vermont carrying our tents & sleeping bags & supplies in panniers and knowing what it feels like to go 3mph up a mountain pass, weighted only by a few necessities & powered only by the energy contained within. Oh My God was that an amazing trip of sun, warmth, hail, snow, rain, beers, laughs, kindness, and winging life completely. Such joy. To the Colorado ride where I swore I was insane to keep going, knees aching unimaginably each morning as we climbed a minimum of one mountain pass a day and my entire psyche was just trashed and dimmed. Yet I finished. And oddly now think, meh... maybe I should try that again (wtf??? nooooooooooo). So many fantastic rides. And then also... pain. fear. more pain. a horrendous head-splitting time & the ahhhh shot to the skull. a few nights wondering if i was going to wake in the morning as I felt the oozing of my brain (seriously... grossest thing ever. ever.) as it healed (thank God). This, too, is cycling. And the wheels represent all of this. The good and the bad. It's a part of my life. A part of who I am. A part of what's made my body strong and lithe. A part of what's kept my brain (relatively) sane. An outlet. A goal. An achievement. And my friend.

We're conceived, we live, we die, we go back to the earth. And for something else, the cycle starts all over again. Over and over. Which is also how we are in life. What i do, what i say, these things are very rarely only a part of my little world. Like the spokes on the wheel, everything is connected. I may not always realize how pieces of me impact others, or the result can also be right in front of me, but regardless, we're all connected in some way. Sharing the air we breathe, the water we drink & that makes up the majority of our bodies, the soil on which some of us tread lightly and others trash to holy hell. We're all part of something much larger and on it goes.
And motion. Wheels are motion just as life is a constantly evolving, dynamic, fluid continuum. Rolling forward, backwards, sometimes standing still, but always there's the inevitable movement again. They're a vehicle to assist us in our path of life and will easily roll over rocks and boulders and all kinds of obstacles. But beware the muck as here we can get stuck. Beware standing in one place for too long as the repetition can wear away the foundation and carve a deep trench. Move on. In some way, always move on.

Wheels also have a center, that if knocked out of balance causes us to sit up and take stock. And it's ok. Feel it for a while. Maybe the center has shifted. Maybe a little more weight is needed here to relieve the tension from somewhere else. And just as truing a wheel puts it back in balance, we also strive to find what is true for ourselves and find our center.

How beautiful that wheels are a continual circle with neither a beginning nor an ending. They are eternity, unity, wholeness, perfection, connection. How I love connection. The edge around the circle is also a boundary. Boundaries are good, necessary really, but they should guide, protect, and keep us safe vs being restrictive, unyielding, or finite.

And so we should allow ourselves the freedom to travel and explore with a boundary of safety as we rebalance our lives and find what's true in our center. To find this endless connection with ourselves and all other beings. To know that when we feel stuck, finding a bit of stillness, then standing in the open and waiting for the gentlest of breezes to move us in a new direction may be all that's needed to take us to places we'd have never imagined otherwise. The world is open and it is ours in which to play. Hop on & let it roll.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Osho #28: New Moon Love

There's a constant ebb and flow to most areas in our lives: we're not always happy, energized, and cheerful, nor are we (hopefully) always sad, worried, or bleh. Whereas the Full Moon offers action and light, The New Moon offers space and a time for reflection to reassess the love we have for ourselves and for those in our lives.

Not everyone views life as a playground as I do. As something that allows for exploration, expansion, feelings where maybe there shouldn't be feelings, actions where maybe there shouldn't be actions. Relationships are so important to me. Closeness of all sorts. And I'm typically quite cautious to know where we all stand and ride that ebb and flow while getting to know friends of all sorts better. And then sometimes we toe the line & later wonder: hmmm, well, don't regret that, but did I harm the relationship in any way? The hope is always that what we do and say brings us closer to those we care about, whether friend, partner, or family member.

And so this whole New Moon Love. Cycling through every 4ish weeks, we have the new moon. A time for new beginnings. A time to look at those I've allowed into my heart to shift and move and feel things out. Do you want to stay? Do you want to go? I'll never hold you there against your wish, but there's a spot for you if you want it. I truly love my friends dearly, some moreso than others, but regardless... if I've created this space in my heart for you, I feel some sort of love for you.

Most of the people I know would not be comfortable discussing such things. Telling their feelings for me, nor hearing of my feelings for them. I'm aware of this. And so I restrain. I'm aware many people are afraid to trust closeness. They protect themselves. Even if they do feel love, they're not often ok admitting it. Whether it's embarrassing, it makes them feel too vulnerable, it's opening up too much, or really....they simply don't really give a $hit in this way for their friends.... regardless, this is so not me. If I decide I respect you, if I want to be close with you no matter if it's male or female, platonic or more.... if you touch my heart and I let you into my world then you're in. And I know I'm extremely sensitive & have little tolerance for feeling I've damaged a relationship. I'm questioning this very thing right now and I hate it. I am told no, but I don't feel that. I want a big-a$$, warm, full hug that tells me everything is ok as words aren't resonating. And so our New Moon last week brought in new experiences, and with that new closeness and sharing. It's always interesting when a relationship is taken to a deeper level. There's a period of not quite knowing if a closer connection has been formed, or if it'll return to how it was, or potentially even lessen. But regardless, I look forward to March's New Moon and hope to feel more love for myself and my actions and look back to say I didn't damage any relationships, but mended or deepened some instead. This is always my hope.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Osho #27: Labels

I had a rather long-winded writing on this Osho, then removed it. In short: this isn't worth giving much time to, nor do you get to know some of the things about me that I wrote. ;-)

Labels. Good? Bad? Positive? Negative? They just are. The smart one. The creative one. The pretty one. The crazy one. The insecure one. None of us are just one anything. Nor are we all of that one thing. We're not creative in every area of our lives. We may be smart in many ways, but it doesn't keeping us from doing stupid things sometimes.

We label others, others give them to us, & some we give to ourselves. In the end they're nothing more than what they sound like: labels. A little machine we type words into and then punch out with a sticky backing to place on the object. It's up to us to decide whether to glue them on more permanently or simply peel off and discard. Read yours. Consider them. Then decide what to do with them.

And ask yourself: how would you feel about typing out the words you're thinking of someone and sticking this on their back? Does this make you a better person or in any way help them? Be wise, observant, caring, and kind. Bring people into your life who you can benefit & who benefit you, but leave the labels to the monkeys to stick on random things, because really... what's the point?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Osho #26: Playing a Role

Feed the baby. Bathe the baby. Change the diaper. Time for baby to sleep. Upon expulsion into this world, we're helpless & at the mercy of our parents. And so the puppetry begins. The baby is crying: must make that stop. Feed her. Change her diaper. Shake the rattle. But stop the crying. I'd like to see the baby smile and laugh so make silly faces, odd sounds, somehow taunt the baby into lifting the corners of his mouth and then OH PRAISE! He has learned to do what I asked! That's a good baby.

As we grow a bit older and walk and talk and have independent thoughts, we're molded even more to be what our parents would like. Don't touch that. 8pm is your bedtime. Eat your carrots. Dinner guests are coming, be on your best behavior. That outfit doesn't match, wear this. Dance for me puppet, dance. Play the piano like a good girl. Do this. Don't do that.

For years and years we play the role of the child, yet are rarely allowed to truly embrace our age and color the crap out of the living room wall with finger paint, or roll around in the mud because it just feels SO damn good to be covered in filth and muck. No no little puppet. I said dance for me. Sing for me. Don't try to break the strings else you'll be sent to your room, spanked, scorned.

At some indeterminate age we start to venture out and explore, but the strings aren't detached, they've just been re-tied. Everyone is doing it. Drink beer. Try drugs. Smoke. Have sex. Dance, oh but NOT like that you freak, only this way. On to the working world we're good employees. We make our bosses happy. We please our peers. We follow the company rules. We gotta make that buck and move on up. Just like everyone else. You don't want to move up? Must mean you're lazy, have no goals, surely you're not very ambitious.

We date, we love, we attract others. We've explored new things and are starting to feel the real us come out. Others are drawn to our independence. Drawn to the way we view the world & fascinated by our brains that don't operate like everyone else. And we begin to share those puppet strings and think maybe now. Now I have a partner to not direct me, but to dance with me and bond himself with me as we're drawn closer together. But these same things that drew the person to us begin to come apart at the seams, to tangle, and we feel that familiar tug to move over just a bit toward the mainstream. Toward what they want from us. Our separate interests were once encouraged & made us unique. Now we're taking too much time from the relationship. Finding space for ourselves is threatening the strength of our togetherness. We've been riding an edge that our partner is no longer willing to step alongside.

So go ahead and pull my strings. Offer up that same steady nudge to become more like you want me to be. Make me into your perfect mate. The one who fulfills your insecurities, who does what you want, who thinks as you do. Let's become just like everyone else. "Normal" couples. I've been here. I've done this. It's familiar. I can offer my limp body to your whims and dance when you want and be still when you want. I can do this. Yes, I have done this.

But I'm done.

It can be good to expand with your mate, please your parents, drop what you're doing to comfort a dear friend, to hold a good job that pays the bills, and to have some sense you are a part of the rest of the world. But by our own choice. I've snipped those strings & in their place are the finest strands of silk like a spider's web. They're light and effortless and follow my body with a fluid grace that's intoxicating and draws you to my world. But tread carefully, my love. These silken threads are tough, but gently caress them and play them like a beautiful violin, else be left holding a reminder of me that softly falls to the ground as I drift from you, floating back to my sacred space of all that makes me who I am and holds the future to who I am becoming.