Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Yoga is Sex

Oh yeah, there are some who would read that title and think wow, you dirty, dirty girl. I, for one, don't think of sex as something that's taboo, that's too embarrassing to talk about, that's slutty. Sex is energy, life, release, and expansion. Yoga is sex. Sometimes. Tonight. And in those times it's fricking amazing.

Now, let's start with a fairly obvious and not surprising statement: many yoga instructors have beautiful bodies. Ok? They just do. But more than that, there are some who are much more than just pleasing to look at. And when you can feel someone's internal energy, strength, vitality, and openess and allow yourself to join them at this level, you can be in for one helluva ride. There are times I've hated classes. Almost from the very start, I know if I connect with the instructor or not. And I push through, but leave feeling almost pissed and annoyed. There are also times it's more just about the physical movement. There are times I start to feel something emotional happening, and I freak out and flail and kill it. And then, oh then, there are times I'm so THERE. It's not the brain working. In fact, like most things I find in this realm, the brain is hanging out on autopilot and letting the rest of something (what? what IS it?) take over and you become a part of something much larger than yourself. You're sharing in the beauty that's both inside you and in the others around you. You ride the wave of energy as it swirls and dips and massages your core with a fluid grace that gently guides you to a different plane. And if you stay there, it's bliss. Absolute and total bliss. I promise.

And it's sex. Pure organic sex. The kind of sex I hope everyone has experienced. There's no going through the motions, no self-consciousness, no nervousness. Noooo. It's the kind you have with someone you are incredibly connected to. You share each other's energy and transfer it back and forth, moving it around, feeling it snake through your body as your brain shuts off and your body takes over. You explore, you give in, you surrender, and you're taken to a place of utter euphoria. And after you just melt and find peace and love and an openess like none other. This is sex. This is also, my friends, yoga.

I often wonder how people can say they don't like yoga. Or it's not something they'd want to try. Holy man are they missing out. And of course, these amazing experiences don't happen every single time. I may never leave the yoga studio otherwise. :-) But knowing they can, knowing they do... yeah..... that alone is reason to continue on this path. I have a particular love for heart openers of all sorts. (hee hee love. heart openers. yep) And for me, it's these poses that expose me and offer up this freedom.

It makes me sad to be around people who are closed off. Who can't or won't put themselves out there and take the risk associated with exploring their bodies, giving their hearts, and letting themselves be known. I understand many of the why's. I have been there. I cherish those people who have joined me up here in this space. And I enter it and then step out, then come back to it. But every single time it welcomes me back with open arms and then surrounds me with such warmth and support that I feel safe, strong, held, and loved.

It is beauty.
It is joy.
It is strength.
It is vitality.
And it is me.


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

...and some other things i know (that i kinda wish i didn't, though sometimes it's not so bad)

1. Along with the joy of owning a dog (or most any pet really) and loving and caring for it, there comes a time when you may have to make the decision to put them to sleep. The anguish and despair you feel in having to make this decision is one of the most difficult things you are likely to ever have to do. (Though I also know we can find peace in knowing it is in their best interest.) And then if you decide to have her cremated and the ashes returned to you, you may become one of those creepy people who holds onto said ashes. ;-) I also know: when the time is right I will spread them in a favorite hiking spot and set her free.
2. People we are close to die. People we are close to will die. We will also die.
3. Checking out of life may be ok for a short time, but it's kind of a short existence so it's better to get your head out of your a$$ sooner rather than later.
4. You cannot pick your parents. You CAN choose whether or not to have them in your life and to what extent. But in the end, they ARE your parents and there's something to be said for that. They may also drop what they're doing without being asked & fly quickly to come take care of you for a few months if you need them.
5. Paying for car repairs sucks.
6. People and animals sometimes get diseases and illnesses that are not curable. It's hard to accept you cannot fix them, but you really do need to come to that realization else spend ungodly amounts of time searching the web for a cure on your own.
7. The same person who can bring you the absolute highest highs and incredible joys may also be the one who causes you the most pain. This, however, does not mean finding the right relationship is impossible, but it may make you question your sanity and intelligence. ;-)
8. Half-assing your way through life will provide a lackluster result.
9. You may give everything you've got into a relationship and it may still not be enough (for that person...carry on....).
10. Sometimes we hurt people we love and end a relationship because it is the right decision for ourselves. Hopefully both people eventually realize it was correct.
11. Sometimes we are not strong enough to put an end to something even though we know we want/need/have to. It would be best to act on this, but if you let it carry on, be prepared for much hell and hope you wake up before it completely destroys who you are inside.
12. If you allow yourself to hang in a situation that destroys you, you may sink to a place you never knew existed. Even though no one can reach you, it's imperative you reach out to someone, most anyone and press on. This too shall pass. And then don't you ever dare let yourself go there again.
13. It can take 40 years to find what *home* means to you. 40 frickin' years. But at least 40 vs never.
14. Opening yourself up to someone may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Many people never, ever do this. And be aware this vulnerability opens the door to the potential for a lot of pain so be WISE in who you do this with. With the wrong person it can be a nightmare. With the right person it can take you to places so lovely you no longer feel you're on the same plane as the rest of the world. Do it. But be smart about it.
15. If you lose your sense of self (or don't have it to begin with) you will have no one to turn to when the world implodes. You are the only one you can 100% count on. Period. Guard your *self* with everything you're worth.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Things I Know

Wowsers is all I'll say. Been one heck of an interesting start to 2011 & I can't exactly say all that I'm feeling at this moment, except that it's a helluva lot of things all at once.

But, there are some things that keep going through my mind:

1. Just because you figure out what you want and don't want in your life, it doesn't make it easy to achieve.
2. Many people come and go in our lives, but there are some who will always be a piece of you.
3. Sometimes making the right decision for ourselves hurts like holy hell.
4. You can fall in love with someone and always love someone, but that doesn't mean they will love you back in the same way nor be in your world.
5. When you find what home means to you, you will return to it over and over. And it may change, but it will never leave you.
6. It is critically important to figure out what home means to you.
7. It is critically important to love yourself.
8. Sometimes you will physically heal from an accident rather quickly, but the mental and emotional impacts are the much more difficult parts to get through.
9. It is not a feeling I would wish on anyone to go to bed at night feeling like you may very well not wake up the next morning..
10. Some of the most hurtful and painful life experiences can shake you to your core, but can also make you learn things about yourself you would never have realized otherwise.
11. Even people who seem to be so together and have everything figured out have their own insecurities and things they struggle with.
12. It is ok to give someone a second chance, but when you're working on the 4th, 5th, 6th time, you need to realize it is what it is and walk away no matter how much it kills you at the moment.
13. Sometimes you meet someone who almost instantly seems to know you and vice versa.
14. It is ok to be a trusting person and always look for the positive in people, but listen carefully to your gut feel as it is 99% of the time spot on.
15. When things feel overwhelming and you don't see how you're ever going to feel happy again, check in and not out, cry or be pissed, but trust in your strength and know you will be ok.
16. Know that it's ok to make mistakes. The only failure is in not trying & not learning.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Osho #25: Happiness

Well sheesh. I mean, endless books can be written on the subject of happiness. I'm going to keep this brief. Mmmm hmmmm. me. brief. miracles can happen. ;-)  (note afterward: so much for that [lack of] miracle...not so brief) :-D

We control our own happiness. And we need to be our own biggest cheerleaders. This is especially fitting for me at this very moment. I let myself get pulled away from *me*, from what I want for myself, from the person I feel I'm becoming. I gave in. Again. And I can sit here and feel like a victim, but I'm not. And at the end of the day, I'm not happy because of myself. I am doing this to me. Period.


We can bitch and moan that things aren't how we want them to be, that we gave in to someone or something when we KNEW it wasn't for our greater good, that in whatever way we've turned our backs on those firm things we KNOW we DO want for ourselves, but No one else owns us but ourselves. We're never, ever stuck. No matter what the situation, there's a way out. If you don't think so, then you may as well lay down and give up now. There's always hope for each and every one of us, even if we don't exactly know how to get where we want to be, even if we don't exactly know what will bring us joy... keep going. Keep looking inward. Discover. Try things. Fail and move on. But don't sit still & smile when you know damn well that smile is superficial and inside you feel pain, emptiness, and longing.

I'm not implying this is easy stuff. Shit no. Look at God. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. I really, really try. And recently, I really balls out fail. Dumbass And uh huh... one of my goals this year is to decrease or do away w/the self-deprecation, but it's warranted right now. Dumbass. It really is. I'm at least in a better place than before. I do know some things I for sure want, but need to get stronger at staying away those things that will pull me from them. I'm getting there. Slowly. Dumbass. ;-)

And so I'm looking inside, but am also f-i-n-a-l-l-y gathering my ideas to manifest some of the happiness I want on the outside in the form of my home & yard. It's time to plant my garden. It's time to have my new porch built. It's time to get my shit together and get rid of all this disorder and chaos in my life b/c it's me, yet it's so so so not. The weeds need to go. The disarray needs to go. It feels so incredibly overwhelming, but isn't this also the same inside? For sure. I'm creating. And part of that means ripping apart what's already there which is harder than starting from scratch & honestly, the idea of a blank slate scares the living crap out of me! And I know I'm going to fail. There will be things that don't grow. There will be aesthetics that don't end up looking like what I'd imagined. But so what? Try again, learn to like something I didn't know I would, laugh about it. But try.

I truly believe that when I look at my environment and can say it's going somewhere, I have a plan, I'm cultivating things.... only then will I also feel the same on the inside. It's all related. It always has been.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Impaction --> Absorption

A raindrop falls from a branch, disturbing the puddle's glassy surface as it ripples toward the edge
and I think this is how life often is.

We enter into newness and make a mark. We're known, we're seen, we bring life and motion.
How then to avoid the seemingly inevitable consummation into the indistinguishable masses of the ordinary and mundane?

Osho #24: Authority

I read this title a few days ago and sighed and thought, well shit... I have nothing to say on this and don't feel like writing on it. Seems to be the case w/a number of these Osho meditations, but on we go.

I'll start by saying the first thought I had on authority was in the traditional sense of authority over us & I don't like it. Never have. I was one hell of a kid during junior high and high school. Holy crap did I lash out and fight against most any time my parents tried to keep me in line, told me I couldn't do something, or tried to get me to do something I didn't want to do. To this day, both Mom and Dad say they'd gladly have taken 10 of my brothers over me as I was a giant pain in the a$$. :-))) You tell me I can't do it and regardless of whether I really wanted to or not, I'd figure out a way to do it. I don't, however, find this type of writing on authority to be of much interest at this stage in my life. I've grown just a bit, thankfully.

What's more fitting now is to break this word down and connect with it's root: author. To author. To give myself the freedom and expansion to write my own life. I love this. We ALL control our own destiny. Well, yeah, certain things are out of our control. We can't force people to respond to us in a certain way. We can't predict all of life's ups and downs. But we absolutely can decide to show up for life and to the best of our ability to create the life we want. To be the person we want to be. You can sit and complain and wish things were different, but where the hell does that get you? Nowhere. Now, sometimes it's helpful to have a little bitch session and get things off our chests - I'm a huge proponent of that. But you HAVE to take action. That can mean moving on. That can mean trying something new. That can mean approaching someone. It can mean putting yourself out there. A million things depending on the problem. But at the end, we control our own life. We write our own chapters.

I got hung up on some financial stuff for a while thinking it sucked to have a tiny home in an expensive area, a horse whose monthly board bill plus medicine was killing my savings, etc etc. But in the end, I'm choosing to keep Mimo alive. I don't have to. I could have him euthanized as his disease isn't curable. But this isn't what I want to do. not yet. It will be someday. But not yet. So I finally sucked it up and decided I can't use this as an excuse to feel *stuck*. I have to remind myself of that a lot b/c honestly, I'd likely not still be living in Austin if I didn't have Mimo. But I'm not looking at this as him holding me back anymore. It's a choice. I can still move to Europe someday. If I really, really wanted to right now, I 100% know I'm resilient enough to figure out how to make it happen. So the fact is I either don't want it bad enough right now, there's not a big enough reason to do it, or it's just not the right time yet. Same with the house. I go back and forth on selling it, but finally decided to have this porch added b/c I want to enjoy it fully while i still own it. Life is so much about timing and I AM writing my own life. If there's something I want to do, I have an ungodly amount of stubbornness inside that will ensure I will always figure out a way.

I do know there are times I can bummed out and feel my life is all bleh and I'm not owning it, but by and large, i DO feel I'm authoring it. I'm writing it. hee hee.... I mean, here I am actually writing so i like that tie as well. But the things I want for my future... for me it's more a task of figuring those things out b/c I have ideas, but nothing I'm necessarily moving toward and making happen quite yet. And that's a problem for me.

I'll turn that into a challenge: knowing I can write the chapters to the rest of my life, what do I want them to look like?

I want peace. I want joy. I want beauty. I want to see new places and be blown away by what's out there. I want to maintain my deep friendships and grow new ones. I want love. Yes. I want love. I have love. But I want it with someone who is right for me and free to give it all back. I want to be who I feel I am inside and for others to feel that. I want to make a difference in the world. Even if it's a difference in only one person's world, it's worthwhile. I want to be strong - physically, mentally, emotionally. And finally, I want to push past those things that seem like boundaries - again, physically, mentally, emotionally. The times I've fought and stayed with something I didn't think I could possibly do and kept trying are the the times I learned so much more about myself than I could have ever imagined. We all need to do this. You take the risk of failure and hurt, but you know.... to read someone's life story that contains nothing but winning and positives, it's kinda boring. It's the hard times and struggles that are fascinating and to be forever cherished b/c it's in those moments that we are vulnerable and cracked open that we find our depth of character and write the most amazing chapters of our lives.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Osho #23 Essentials

Mr. Osho would like us to discuss Essentials. I think this is one I'll have to come back to a number of times as my thoughts aren't formulated too well yet, but I've put off writing on it long enough. This delay in writing is, in and of itself, something to note.


Trust. Love. Trust love.

So far these seem to be the only absolute essentials I can think of other than the obvious food and all that.

Love of friends, love in an intimate relationship, love of self, love of being alive. There are an abundance of ways love can be manifested, and really, at this moment I have not much else to say other than seek it, find it, give it space, but guard it. We need more love in our lives.

Trust is huge. Huge. HUGE! Trust in oneself, trust in friends/family, trust in our partner... immensely important for any type of relationship. And yes, we most certainly DO have a relationship with ourselves. It's really the most important relationship ever. I'm not true to myself many times. Ok, well, maybe that's not exactly accurate. I'm more true to my heart than my head is a better way to state that. So there's a distinction: trust in the heart and trust in the head. Which one is usually right? Again, maybe this isn't the real question: which one should we listen to when they conflict? How can you trust two sources of yourself that are frantically waving their hands in the air shouting PICK ME! PICK ME!!! Yet when you look down their legs are violently kicking the other. My answer is to trust both. I first thought the heart is always right. And I believe that from the feeling perspective, even if sometimes it's convoluted and not what first seems obvious. But then, the head.. gotta trust the head as well it seems. So many times there are separate answers about the same thing; both can be trusted. Both are real and true. I think of the lyrics from a Radiohead song: just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there. The head most often tells me what I *should* want/feel/like/love. It tells me the things that are in my best interest. It's logic. It's data. It's "hey dumbass.... you keep doing this and you're gonna get hurt". The head is a wise owl, constantly trying to keep us in line. I trust my head to be the smart one in this body. The heart sure as shit is not. The heart holds onto things it should release. Greedy little organ it is. Just when you think you're over a situation, person, etc the heart will open that tiny little door and BAM! Surprise! It was just hidden among all the other little goodies it has stashed away to hit you with when you least expect it. The heart is quite the (evil) joker in this way. Should we trust it? Well, unfortunately in these cases, yes. But maybe not at face value. What it's making you feel is often not exactly what you think. True, you may miss a person and think oh crap, guess i was wrong, i really can't live happily without him. But what's often more true is you miss certain things about the person. The good things. The feelings you had. The closeness. The intimacy. The feeling of being so f'n alive. yeah yeah.. sometimes it's the overall package and the heart gets it right and this is goodness. But many times we have scars. Things from long ago that are still sore spots. They've hurt you. Or they've left you empty. Or they've never been there in the first place and you're yearning. They're unfulfilled things you seek out of a relationship. So be wary if you think it's always tied to one concrete person. One concrete situation, etc. It's more often that the wounded heart has things it desperately wants to fill, and it'll use whatever pawns it can find to try to make you aware of them. I really believe the majority of issues stem from something buried. So trust the heart, but question its motives & dig deeper into what it's trying to say. And then, also trust when it's telling you that it's right. That this is it.

Ah, ok, and touching. It's craved. It's needed. I'm not necessarily talking about in a sexual way here. A warm, deep hug from a friend when you're down may not fix the issue, but holy man does it feel good and make you feel held in the physical and emotional sense. We need this. There are some who say no, they disagree. I think they're closed off and not willing to let themselves feel b/c it can be a vulnerable, scary place.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Osho #22: Love's Fragility

Let's start by getting something clear. I don't like the title of this meditation whatsoever. I've thought about it off and on since first reading the title last night and my thoughts keep going back to saying a huge THAT'S B.S. MR. OSHO! ;-) I respectfully disagree.

Now, we can say the heart is fragile (some of our hearts are fragile as all getout actually). The ego is fragile. Life is fragile. I can think of a million things that I'd agree can be termed fragile. But not love. Nuh uh. Love is freakin' powerful, strong, and vast.

What would you do for love? The jaded may say "not much. it's not worth it." But really, What.Would.You.Do.For.Love???? There isn't much I WOULDN'T do for the damn thing. I almost destroyed myself for it once, which some may fingerpoint and say "see! see! it's fragile!" but I think it's the opposite. It is so powerful that people (me) are willing to reach into the deepest places within themselves and hold on to it and give and give even when there doesn't seem to be anything left to give. Hell, people have died for love. And people have also been moved to incredible heights because of love.

Almost to a fault, I'm an intensely protective person. You hurt someone I care for and I'm not going to stand by and let you have at them. It's love that powers me in this way. It can make me almost get my ex in a bar fight b/c a friend was being wronged by an a$$hole. (oops :-) ) It can make me not even think twice of jumping kicking and punching into the middle of 3 dogs attacking Katja to keep her safe (mmm, never said love was smart...).

And it can hurt us. Oh my God it can hurt us. It can make us so miserable we're left sobbing, feeling our heart has been ripped from our chest and tossed aside, a few shards of glass ground into the poor thing for good measure. And it does feel like this sometimes. Trust me. But even with this, the good in love, the potential for finding the good in love, it's so amazing that most of us press on and are willing to open ourselves to it again and again, knowing the risks.

People say love is fragile and we need to handle it with care. I say it's all the other stuff related to love that needs to be handled with care. When it's all said and done, even if someone hurts us incredibly, we may feel disrespected, we may feel angry, we may feel hurt, but does it make us stop loving? For me, no. It's always there, if nothing more than a buried thread that has only the slightest hum of life left in it, it's there. It doesn't go away. You can't fix it. You can't turn it on and off at will. (unfortunately. seriously. many of us would be better off if we had that power) You can choose to walk away from a situation because it's not right for you, but can you say you are walking away from love? From being *in love* with someone, 100% for sure. HUGE distinction there. But do you no longer have any love for that person? Maybe I'm in the minority here, a bleeding heart, a big ole sap, but it doesn't go away. The capacity we have to move mountains for the sake of love puts it at the pinnacle of the mound of emotions. Many things are fickle. Fleeting. Vapid. Love, true love for another, becomes a part of us and intertwines itself throughout our bodies so that it's impossible to separate it and remove it as a separate entity. We are love.

So, fragile? I think not. Not by a longshot.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Osho#21: Be Like a Child

Well holy shit and shinola!!!!!!!!! I looked at the title of this next Osho last night and thought: well sheesh, that's a boring, easy one to write about. As I sit here now on January 1, 2011, this may just become my mantra for 2011. Who woulda thunk it?

I'm feeling giddy about this Be Like a Child deal. Giddy. It's SO perfect for one of the major things I want to work on for myself: letting go and being who I truly am. I've lived most of my life being withdrawn, shy, afraid of failure, and not feeling comfortable enough in my own body and with who I am to let myself shine. I have moments of satisfaction and pride, but they're quickly surpassed by this underlying feeling of not being enough. I should be more x, I should do more y. Maybe some of it is true, but so what? Accept where I'm at and focus on modifying rather than beating myself up over it.

So Be Like a Child. Hells yeah!

--> it's time to explore the world with the eyes of a child, full of wonder and interest and using the innate curiosity I have inside. To question my surroundings, to find beauty in what may seem trivial, and to be more aware of the things in my world.

--> it's time to live in this world with the exuberance of a child. This, sadly, is something I *wish* I could say I had that got dashed, but I don't ever recall feeling this way. I see many children behave this way though, so I know it's common. To go toward something new, not shrink away from it. To think it's ok to play with something for a short bit and say, "I'm bored" and find something new. And then, maybe return back to the original thing with a new passion. or not. either way, it's ok. We have to try things out before we truly know if we like them or not. So go out and find new experiences, new places, and approach them with gusto.

--> ignore my appearance and let myself come through in my personality. I get hung up on this. I'm so, so, so self-critical about my fitness, wishing I was prettier, feeling inadequate in this way 99% of the time. F it. Who I am is on the inside, and while I still want to look good, finding my *own* sense of style and letting my personality play center stage is where it's at. Fitness is important to me and I do have a goal in that regard, but if I feel yucky for a week, so be it. It doesn't change who I am in my core. Kids wear whatever they want. I have pics of me dressed in hideous clothes, and ok, maybe I wasn't the one who chose them, but I also doubt I really cared. I just wanted to get outside to play, or get to the stable to ride, or go to a friend's house. Either way, appearance wasn't a focus.

--> find the child i never was. painfully shy as a kid, i went to see a special man in kindergarten. Mr. Szilvenus. I may have the spelling of his name wrong, but the phonetics are there. I wouldn't talk in class. Nothing. Not a peep. I was smart and often knew how to say a word the regular teacher was teaching, but my shyness held me back from answering. Always. It took a while for me to speak to Mr. Szilvenus. I remember he was patient and would sit and talk *to* me until the day I finally began to speak. And then I became friends with Hila, who would remain my best friend for years. And I came out of my shell a bit and from 1st grade on, I talked and was ok. This anecdote sums up who I've been my whole life: fearful, withdrawn, not fitting in. What happened on the outside, what others saw, wasn't who I felt I was inside, but I couldn't break the barrier. Especially not once it started. I recall Hila and I playing hopscotch one day and I yelled out a few of the numbers as we jumped upon them. My shocked classmates yelled out: I heard her talk! she talked! And I immediately clammed up and was horrified. Yes. The freak has spoken. I wish I'd have embraced that and let it have been the catalyst to prompt me forward, but not to be. So this long-winded passage is about taking back the inner child that wasn't really ever there. Not the one I knew, who was always critical of herself and couldn't be who she wanted to be for fear of others, but the one that many other people had: the one that doesn't give a shit if she fails, the one who doesn't really know much, but doesn't allow this to make her withdraw, but uses it to propel onward.

What's fascinating to me about this whole Be Like a Child bit is my discomfort with being around children. Ones that are at the talking age and communicate with adults. I'm terrified. I've always thought it's because I haven't been around many children and am not good with kids. But looking at this now, I think it's mostly related to the first: I never really felt like a normal kid so I don't really know how to connect with them! I mean, really? But this feels true. I have a lifetime of not feeling understood, of feeling different, of not feeling I truly fit in. Shouldn't this have been embraced? We're ALL unique! So why, for me, did it become a negative???

And so, today. I'd planned to do a New Year's Day bike ride, but my allergies are wreaking havoc. And I'd seen this yoga class a woman named Sanieh is hosting: Auspicious New Year Transition. She terms it as a no holds barred practice and:
this practice will be geared towards standing in all that is unreasonable and seemingly impossible bringing existence to both through vision and action! A full spectrum and scaled practice with live music, mantra and laughter!

Oh my God I'm so nervous about attending this, but it's in line with what I've been saying: step out of that comfort zone and be who I truly am, I WANT to want to go to this practice. I want to embrace it and feel excited about it. Because it sounds fun, different, creative, and exactly in line with the pieces I love from yoga: that I feel things happening on the outside AND inside that feel true and right for me. So F you fear. I may look like a dumbass, I may not be able to do many of what she teaches either b/c my body isn't strong enough or b/c of my collarbone injury, or even my mind isn't strong enough. But I have to at least try. No, I don't have to. I can continue to live as I've been living and shrink away from things like this, but I don't want to. So yeah, I guess I DO want to go to this practice and even if I feel like running into a corner and crying from feeling so stupid and uncoordinated and like everyone is watching me laughing (why would they??? why does this come to mind???) it's worth it for myself. To feel like a child. To approach it as something new and unknown and just test it out.
I'm terrified. :-) But smiling.


I sit here on the first day of 2011 and feel, well, about the same as on the last day of 2010. It's funny how we look to these times to provide some huge sense of change, but do they really? Change is often a much slower, gradual process. And so I will take that and my hope is this: by the END of 2011 I will feel a change vs today. A better change. A better person. A better, more fulfilled life. On that note, some focus areas:

* it's time to live! not just exist and breathe and be physically present in this world. but to be fully engaged, to be emotionally present, and be a part of something bigger than myself. I haven't donated much to charity these past few years largely due to financial constraints, but there's more I can do than write a check for a few thousand dollars. And it's OK! I've had this nagging feeling that unless I can give as much as I used to, that it's not enough. Hell yes it's enough. $5 is enough.

* surpass my shyness and be who I feel I am inside. I still find it interesting that so few people consider me a shy person. I can be social, I enjoy meeting people and getting to know them, can give work presentations just fine, etc. But inside, showing who I truly am, nuh uh. Scary shit. This shyness has held me back in life and I know that. I withdraw. I want to dance, yet am too embarrassed and so I sit. I want to explore new things, but that's putting myself out there. Hmmm, as I'm writing this I have to wonder: is what I've been terming a shyness really a fear of failure????? What I'm writing about seems more in line with that: I'm afraid to put myself out there b/c I don't want to be laughed at, don't want to seem incompetent, don't want to not be "good enough". Well, this is intriguing and whereas at first I blew off my next Osho as being much too simple to spend much time writing about, it's perfect for me right now: Be Like a Child.