Agni Revisited

"Start a fire in your heart and surround yourself with those who fan the flame."

I don't know from where this quote originates, but I loved it immediately. I've written previously about the idea of that internal flame. protecting it. keeping it lit. But to surround oneself with those who fuel it? Oh mmm hmmm. yes.

My internal flame has continued to burn. At times dim. So dim I wasn't sure it was still alive. But just as a fire dies down, the remaining embers contain incredible energy that are just waiting for a little breathing space to glow again brightly. I'm sure we've all had people in our lives who have threatened to diminish who we are, our hopes, our dreams, and those things that make us unique. I used to think love would be found by meeting someone who could accept who I was and choose to *deal with* certain pieces of me. That might be ok. That can keep the flame burning reasonably well. But would it fan it? Not really. Finding a partner and friends who truly embrace and cherish who I am turns out to be not only possible, but really what's deserved. For me, for you, for all of us. So I'm a bit emotional at times. Don't tell me be tough & not let my feelings show. There are times for that, but in moreso than not... F that. I'm strong because I feel. Emotions are part of me and I'm proud to finally let feelings in, even when they emit a strong response. I've been told I think about many things more in-depth than *most people*, and at times that I'm over-analyzing or not letting something go. Again, too bad. It means I haven't come to terms, haven't been able to fully make sense, or there's something in there that I haven't discovered yet. Curiosity comes out in all kinds of ways, including this, and I'll be damned if I'll curtail that.

So who are these people who fan our flame? They're the ones who love us because of who we are, not in spite of. They know the little quirks that make us unique. They find us beautiful so very far beyond the physical realm and know what we're made of inside. And they find us imperfectly perfect. They're our cheerleaders, our shoulders to cry on, the bearers of our strength when we think we can't go on. They look into us, not at us. There's a special connection that exists whether you speak every day, every year, or never again. You know when they've entered your space. That warm place in my heart? It's there because of who I am, but also because of those I love and cherish and hold close. My flame has been fanned & continues to be fanned. I'm honored, grateful, humbled, and burning strongly.

Lotus Rising, full circle

I've been fascinated by the idea of something said to me recently & can't quite wrap my brain around it nor formulate my thoughts well, but it feels completely and wholly true. I'm aware I wear my heart on my sleeve. Knowing if I'm happy, sad, moved to tears, angry, elated, etc takes no more than looking at my face. It's right there. But that stuff is easy. The $hit hits the fan when it comes to taking things deeper, to getting closer to the *why* & what's happening on the inside & up comes the wall. Stop. Thou shall not enter. Turn around and come back from whence you came b/c you're not making it through. It's intriguing b/c to look back even just a few years ago, I'd without a doubt say that wall came down. Little did I realize that there was another one a bit further behind it.

What are we afraid of? How well do you ever truly get to know yourself or another person? Well, only as well as they let you I suppose, and also only as well as you let yourself. I suspect it has to do w/vulnerability. Opening to emotions on the more inner levels means believing we're capable of dealing w/whatever is in there. Our inner workings can be a pretty damn murky, mucky place. But there's beauty in that. Back to the idea of the lotus flower. Just because you find a place that's hard to see through, that stops you in your tracks and binds you and is full of mud doesn't mean that you can't find absolute loveliness out of it and use it's nutrients to pull you up and come out so much more stunning and full than when you came in. Facing the scary, insecure, terrifying thoughts and emotions we all have inside helps us grow SO much more than ignoring them. Scratching the surface can result in something pretty, no doubt. But you get into those dark places & yeah...you may go through periods that feel like holy hell, but I promise if you stick with it and keep going and trust in yourself you'll come out with riches you'd have never found otherwise.

We are so, so much stronger than we know. We are capable of amazing things if we believe in ourselves. And there is so much more inside each and every one of us than we realize, but it may take fighting through a helluva lot of muck to get there. I've met people whose negativity or complete lack of zest for life just saps the energy from those around him/her. Life is much too short for that. Reminds me of the human version of the Harry Potter Dementors. Is it worth it to deal w/our internal muck? Absolutely and without a doubt. Do we risk alienating ourselves from others? Mmmm, well, honestly, yes. I think so. But in the end, would you rather surround yourself with those who don't support the true you, or those who have seen you vulnerable and taken your hand and walked with you through those times? What are we waiting for? Knocking down a wall doesn't mean we're fixed, perfect or that there are no more further down the path. Life is one big learning experience and seems we don't ever really *arrive* or *get there*. It's how it should be. To get to the end of the our life path, where there's nowhere left to go, is one of the saddest things I can imagine. Exploring, finding new things to do and see, viewing things as if through the eyes of a curious child, and sometimes diving into our internal muck are what life is all about. Carry on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3Cg1wxgX6M

Silence. And then... not.

I love this:

A musician sits in a silence that holds only the intent to play before she brings the music up out of that silence with her muscles and breath. The sounds of the music unfold through time until at some point the musician lets the silence return. Only now the silence is different, deeper. It holds more. 

It's so completely true. There are many moments of deepening silence like this in life. Think about the fantastic nervous energy before a first kiss. There's that moment right before of complete emptiness. Time seems to stop as you lean in together. Then the kiss. And then BOOM... that silence is filled with a helluva lot of (often conflicting, though exciting) emotions, feelings, and thoughts all colliding at once. There's SO MUCH there now.

Love love love this. I can think of a ton of times I've felt this, but they're my memories and so incredibly special they get to stay inside me & I don't feel a bit selfish about withholding. :-))) But feel that passage... pretty f'n cool.

Peace and Touching

I'm not sure what's changed, if anything, but I'm feeling damn good these days. A sense of peace has settled in and I'm extremely content with how things are going. Now, of course, there are things in the works. Feeling at peace doesn't = complacency, remaining stagnant, etc. But I'm just feeling overall happy about how things are going, where I'm at, and where I'm headed. Did the Tres Burritos ride today and fully expected it to suck. It didn't. Not at all. I rode out with a group faster than I'd ride on my own, but not craziness. That seemed to spur either 1) my competitive side (don't think so, not w/cycling), or 2) kicked me into gear (yes, yes) and while I kicked back a bit after riding w/them the first 20, a couple of the guys waited up and we continued to ride at a pace a bit above what I'd prefer given the overall distance. I kept thinking I was going to pay for it once we did the huge jaunt back south into the wind. Instead, I ended up dropping the guy w/the South Australia jersey (oops.. seriously unintentional... he apparently fell off on one of the hills) and then the last 10 I was the one leading a slew of guys into the wind. Me. ME!!! I felt strong and don't know what to chalk this up to. 67 miles is farther than I *should* have been biking today, though apparently my body & mind disagree with whatever was saying it's too much. I did some 60+ rides prior to Mexico, but just short rides here and then since I've been back. Something culminated and THANK YOU! I'm tickled. I also am aware to not put too much stock in this... sometimes it's just all right at the same time. I still have a lot of training to do to have a strong 100 for the Mamma Jamma.

Touch. Oh, touch. I treated myself to a massage tonight. I've yet to figure out what is most pleasing to me about this. Yes, I DO love a massage. But I also love love love being touched. Sexually is great, but some of us are w/o partner so clearly I don't mean in that way about this. It just feel so frickin' good to have someone's hands on my body. Amazing. Similar to a hug. Huge fan of the hug and dammit, why do so many people suck at hugging? Is it that hard? Apparently. I feel like I"m hugging a robot 1/2 the time. I get not everyone is in touch with their emotions, not comfortable opening themselves up, but it's just a hug. Then again, ahem... we know *just a hug* is what sparked a very torrid relationship not too long ago so perhaps I'm not giving it enough credit. Either way, I'm happy.

I'm happy.

I'm happy.

I'd love to meet someone. I do want a partner in my life. But timing is so very critical and eventually I feel confident the right person will be there at the right time. It's all good. Right now. I'm feeling antsy. Not so much about this partner thang... just a bit antsy in general. There are thoughts brewing in my mind. Where I want to be. Goodness. Total goodness. It's about time. ;-))))))))))))

Of Asking vs Owning

Yesterday morning during a few minutes of open practice, I chose to do headstand. I so slowly pulled myself up into what I know to be correct and could feel some wavering, but this is ok, and after a short amount of time I came down.

This morning at breakfast, Tim commented about my headstand, something to the effect that I just needed to refine it a bit. My response was this would have been good info to have had in the moment. And I received another lesson in why he is such a great teacher for me. He said he could tell I was deconstructing the pose & concentrating & doing it, but that I hadn't gotten to the point of feeling confident and busting out into the full, solid expression. And had he come over and interrupted, I'd surely have freaked out, come down, something other than just staying with it. But he also said that this will come. At some point I will move past the trepidatious approach. My immediate reaction was that he's right. As usual, he seems to know where I'm at and offers the exact support at the right time, and also knows when to just be there. And I also very much believe in his belief in me - that it will come. And I thought, but when?

Something was stirred. As I was writing later today it hit me that *when* is now. I have it. This is in me. I've just been asking the same question over and over and over. My lack of confidence overpowers me and my body throws a question to the universe, "Is it ok for me to try to come up into headstand?" YES, KRISTEN, IT IS OK. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU HAVE DONE THIS. And so begins the cautious rising of the legs, watching out for any sign of falling, and once up, holding it for a bit but not feeling secure, grounded, nor strong. And instead of elation, feeling that a favor has been granted by allowing me to accomplish something that was once scary to me.

I take issue with this. In the early stages, my approach was ok. To feel it out and ensure it's a safe space for me to play in. But now, I continue to ask permission over and over and over when it's been given to me already. And so it is with many other areas of my life. I dip my foot in the water, find it warm and inviting, then hop in. The next time, I dip my foot in again. Water is still warm and inviting, ok... in I go. To the water again. Still warm. One could logically conclude after enough iterations that it's safe to assume this body of water is warm and inviting. But no... I need to check it to be sure every single time, never just diving in and trusting that what it's shown me in the past will be there. So I can't enter by diving, nor doing a cannonball, a flip, leaping, anything that will elevate me or make it a new experience. It remains static & I cautiously lower myself into the pool while my growth remains immobile.

There was really a perfect culmination of two teachers. Sanieh saying to go to that area that scares you. To toe that line and step over into that space of discomfort, because it's from here that you'll grow, expand, and find what you're made of. I 100% believe in this. And Tim, recognizing where I'm at and respecting that I have to figure this out on my own. He can tell me to just do it, to own it, but this is mine to own. He saw I needed the tools a few months ago & showed me I already had everything I needed. And from that time he can keep telling me to grab the shovel, now I need the hoe, but really... it's up to me to figure this out and cultivate my garden in my own way as I want it to be organic, not filled with synthetic assistance that may make it look pretty for a while, but won't sustain what's beautifully growing and would cast a shadow that would kill the seeds germinating just below the surface.

So when is it time to quit expecting to be shot down? To quit asking for the same thing umpteen times when the answer given keeps being yes, yes, yes? And trust that yes will also be the answer the next time? When is it time to step into my own space, push myself a bit past my comfort zone, and thereby explore something subtly different, yet huge in the scheme of my psyche?

The time is now. With this, the time is now. Trust, move just beyond my comfort zone, and trust that my inner strength and resolve will continue to be there as they have been in the past. We are in control of our lives, our happiness, our peace. What we do, where we go, what we accomplish.. so much is in store for us if we quit asking for permission and own our lives. We are so strong and capable of so much more than we often think. But you'll never know unless you try.

The time is now.

Osho #32: Problems

I struggled for a couple weeks w/this Osho meditation & have written and rewritten this blog entry a bunch of times before finally deciding on just one thing. Think about how much you hear people complain. It's too hot or too cold or too humid or too windy. They're too busy or too over-committed or not energized or running a mile a minute and cannot slow down. We're always striving to be better than we currently are, to be thinner, fitter, to have more money, more free time, less worries, more vacation, more quality time, less stress.

My question to you is this: if all your problems were solved, would you then complain that you have nothing to fix, nothing to overcome, nothing to give you that sense of accomplishment, and are bored? Eh? Think about it. Welcome to life. It's not so bad how it is at this very moment, so relax, enjoy, quit bitching and breathe in ALL that surrounds you - the good and the bad which is often not all that bad when it comes down to it. ;-)

Done.

I'm 99% certain, finally, that I'm going to sell my house. I've pondered this idea off an on for a looong time now. I mean, it's at least been 1.5 years that I've considered it. I leave that 1% b/c I reserve the right to change my mind, but I'm finally feeling it. Been waiting for this actually. The feeling inside that it's time, it's right, it's what I want to do.

Why? What changed? A few things. Tearing up my front yard has spawned a slew of thoughts, and when it comes down to it, I'm just not making the time to do anything to make this place into what I want it to be. Had I bought for a low price, then ok... it'd make sense to hang on, but considering what I pay for my mortgage + taxes, as a single person, it's a lot compared to the amount of enjoyment I get from it. I think it's a cute place. I wouldn't have bought it otherwise, but it also needs some work and I don't want to put the time nor money into it. It's a choice. I'm not being lazy. In fact, that's part of the problem: there are other things I want to do that are taking precedence.

I've stepped back into cycling. I'm enjoying it again. I'm loving yoga. I cooked this weekend and yum, yum, yum. I hiked with Scooter. I went to the pool. I went to a coffee house and did a bit of writing, then Brian met up with me and we chatted over some wine. In short, it's time to play. Houses come with a lot of work. I just don't want to put the effort into it.

I feel like every time I got close in the past to making this decision that someone gave me a long story about why I shouldn't sell. But ya know, we all have to make the decisions that are right for ourselves. It's not making me happy to know that I *should* be taking care of my front yard. I *should* be cleaning up the back. I *should* straighten up the garage. Well, that garage, that's part of it too in a sense. I don't want to own so much stuff. This is kind of funny for me to say considering that I live lighter than the vast majority of home owners I know. But really, I don't want all the yard equipment and things in the garage that are simply taking up space. What's the point?

Indeed, what's the point? Why own? If you're with someone, especially if you have a family, then yeah... I can see it. But why would a single female who makes a fairly decent salary, yet also owns a sick horse and doesn't know how to fix most things when they break spend the money on such a thing? I get that rent goes toward nothing. I do. But so do taxes in that sense. And there are the upkeep costs that when you consider the amt I pay every month for this on a single income, not making sense to me.

And I also feel I can stand on my own two feet and say enough with it. I know, without a doubt, one of the reasons I *had* to buy a place after Mike and I split was to prove to myself I could make it on my own. He had his doubts. I had my own doubts. And owning my own place, well, that was having the stability or perceived groundedness that I sought. And yet it's been more like a string tying me to something that hasn't felt completely organic. I forsee myself having another place. I'm not against homeownership. And maybe it'll be a fantastic thing where I meet someone and we go into my next place together. Or DESIGN IT! Now THAT would be awesome! I'd love to pick up something and remodel it into what I want, but 1) not this place, and 2) not on my own. It's kind of like kids in this regard. You can certainly be a single parent and many of them do a wonderful job. But this isn't ideally what I want. Kids bring so many positives, but I want to share that with someone else. Owning a home.. if it's a full-blown house anyway, I want that with someone else. My next place may be a townhome or something, but a home (at least an older one which are the ones that appeal to me) aren't for me right now.

What's next? Well, going to call Tues to have a few folks out to do bids on my front disaster of a yard. Need to do some painting inside. But you know... I don't have THAT much to do. Trim in the bathroom. Cleaning. But where will I go? Dunno.. I like the Far West area. I could live in Crestview. Love the south area too. Not really set, but I for sure won't be looking to buy. Not now.

99%? Yeah, but I'm feeling pretty damn good about this.