I'm feeling giddy about this Be Like a Child deal. Giddy. It's SO perfect for one of the major things I want to work on for myself: letting go and being who I truly am. I've lived most of my life being withdrawn, shy, afraid of failure, and not feeling comfortable enough in my own body and with who I am to let myself shine. I have moments of satisfaction and pride, but they're quickly surpassed by this underlying feeling of not being enough. I should be more x, I should do more y. Maybe some of it is true, but so what? Accept where I'm at and focus on modifying rather than beating myself up over it.
So Be Like a Child. Hells yeah!
--> it's time to explore the world with the eyes of a child, full of wonder and interest and using the innate curiosity I have inside. To question my surroundings, to find beauty in what may seem trivial, and to be more aware of the things in my world.
--> it's time to live in this world with the exuberance of a child. This, sadly, is something I *wish* I could say I had that got dashed, but I don't ever recall feeling this way. I see many children behave this way though, so I know it's common. To go toward something new, not shrink away from it. To think it's ok to play with something for a short bit and say, "I'm bored" and find something new. And then, maybe return back to the original thing with a new passion. or not. either way, it's ok. We have to try things out before we truly know if we like them or not. So go out and find new experiences, new places, and approach them with gusto.
--> ignore my appearance and let myself come through in my personality. I get hung up on this. I'm so, so, so self-critical about my fitness, wishing I was prettier, feeling inadequate in this way 99% of the time. F it. Who I am is on the inside, and while I still want to look good, finding my *own* sense of style and letting my personality play center stage is where it's at. Fitness is important to me and I do have a goal in that regard, but if I feel yucky for a week, so be it. It doesn't change who I am in my core. Kids wear whatever they want. I have pics of me dressed in hideous clothes, and ok, maybe I wasn't the one who chose them, but I also doubt I really cared. I just wanted to get outside to play, or get to the stable to ride, or go to a friend's house. Either way, appearance wasn't a focus.
--> find the child i never was. painfully shy as a kid, i went to see a special man in kindergarten. Mr. Szilvenus. I may have the spelling of his name wrong, but the phonetics are there. I wouldn't talk in class. Nothing. Not a peep. I was smart and often knew how to say a word the regular teacher was teaching, but my shyness held me back from answering. Always. It took a while for me to speak to Mr. Szilvenus. I remember he was patient and would sit and talk *to* me until the day I finally began to speak. And then I became friends with Hila, who would remain my best friend for years. And I came out of my shell a bit and from 1st grade on, I talked and was ok. This anecdote sums up who I've been my whole life: fearful, withdrawn, not fitting in. What happened on the outside, what others saw, wasn't who I felt I was inside, but I couldn't break the barrier. Especially not once it started. I recall Hila and I playing hopscotch one day and I yelled out a few of the numbers as we jumped upon them. My shocked classmates yelled out: I heard her talk! she talked! And I immediately clammed up and was horrified. Yes. The freak has spoken. I wish I'd have embraced that and let it have been the catalyst to prompt me forward, but not to be. So this long-winded passage is about taking back the inner child that wasn't really ever there. Not the one I knew, who was always critical of herself and couldn't be who she wanted to be for fear of others, but the one that many other people had: the one that doesn't give a shit if she fails, the one who doesn't really know much, but doesn't allow this to make her withdraw, but uses it to propel onward.
What's fascinating to me about this whole Be Like a Child bit is my discomfort with being around children. Ones that are at the talking age and communicate with adults. I'm terrified. I've always thought it's because I haven't been around many children and am not good with kids. But looking at this now, I think it's mostly related to the first: I never really felt like a normal kid so I don't really know how to connect with them! I mean, really? But this feels true. I have a lifetime of not feeling understood, of feeling different, of not feeling I truly fit in. Shouldn't this have been embraced? We're ALL unique! So why, for me, did it become a negative???
And so, today. I'd planned to do a New Year's Day bike ride, but my allergies are wreaking havoc. And I'd seen this yoga class a woman named Sanieh is hosting: Auspicious New Year Transition. I.am.terrified. She terms it as a no holds barred practice and:
this practice will be geared towards standing in all that is unreasonable and seemingly impossible bringing existence to both through vision and action! A full spectrum and scaled practice with live music, mantra and laughter!
Oh my God I'm so nervous about attending this, but it's in line with what I've been saying: step out of that comfort zone and be who I truly am, I WANT to want to go to this practice. I want to embrace it and feel excited about it. Because it sounds fun, different, creative, and exactly in line with the pieces I love from yoga: that I feel things happening on the outside AND inside that feel true and right for me. So F you fear. I may look like a dumbass, I may not be able to do many of what she teaches either b/c my body isn't strong enough or b/c of my collarbone injury, or even my mind isn't strong enough. But I have to at least try. No, I don't have to. I can continue to live as I've been living and shrink away from things like this, but I don't want to. So yeah, I guess I DO want to go to this practice and even if I feel like running into a corner and crying from feeling so stupid and uncoordinated and like everyone is watching me laughing (why would they??? why does this come to mind???) it's worth it for myself. To feel like a child. To approach it as something new and unknown and just test it out.
I'm terrified. :-) But smiling.
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