Osho #25: Happiness

Well sheesh. I mean, endless books can be written on the subject of happiness. I'm going to keep this brief. Mmmm hmmmm. me. brief. miracles can happen. ;-)  (note afterward: so much for that [lack of] miracle...not so brief) :-D

We control our own happiness. And we need to be our own biggest cheerleaders. This is especially fitting for me at this very moment. I let myself get pulled away from *me*, from what I want for myself, from the person I feel I'm becoming. I gave in. Again. And I can sit here and feel like a victim, but I'm not. And at the end of the day, I'm not happy because of myself. I am doing this to me. Period.

We

control

our

own

destiny

.

We can bitch and moan that things aren't how we want them to be, that we gave in to someone or something when we KNEW it wasn't for our greater good, that in whatever way we've turned our backs on those firm things we KNOW we DO want for ourselves, but it.is.up.to.us. No one else owns us but ourselves. We're never, ever stuck. No matter what the situation, there's a way out. If you don't think so, then you may as well lay down and give up now. There's always hope for each and every one of us, even if we don't exactly know how to get where we want to be, even if we don't exactly know what will bring us joy... keep going. Keep looking inward. Discover. Try things. Fail and move on. But don't sit still & smile when you know damn well that smile is superficial and inside you feel pain, emptiness, and longing.

I'm not implying this is easy stuff. Shit no. Look at me...my God. I try. I fail. I try again. I fail again. I really, really try. And recently, I really balls out fail. Dumbass And uh huh... one of my goals this year is to decrease or do away w/the self-deprecation, but it's warranted right now. Dumbass. It really is. I'm at least in a better place than before. I do know some things I for sure want, but need to get stronger at staying away those things that will pull me from them. I'm getting there. Slowly. Dumbass. ;-)

And so I'm looking inside, but am also f-i-n-a-l-l-y gathering my ideas to manifest some of the happiness I want on the outside in the form of my home & yard. It's time to plant my garden. It's time to have my new porch built. It's time to get my shit together and get rid of all this disorder and chaos in my life b/c it's me, yet it's so so so not. The weeds need to go. The disarray needs to go. It feels so incredibly overwhelming, but isn't this also the same inside? For sure. I'm creating. And part of that means ripping apart what's already there which is harder than starting from scratch & honestly, the idea of a blank slate scares the living crap out of me! And I know I'm going to fail. There will be things that don't grow. There will be aesthetics that don't end up looking like what I'd imagined. But so what? Try again, learn to like something I didn't know I would, laugh about it. But try.

I truly believe that when I look at my environment and can say it's going somewhere, I have a plan, I'm cultivating things.... only then will I also feel the same on the inside. It's all related. It always has been.