Phoenix

Relationships end and we're told to give it some time, things will get better, we'll move on and get over him. Do we always get over people? do we always need to? are there some cases where that person never fully moves out of our heart & it's actually ok to let them stay? i say yes. There are a few people I'm not sure I'll ever *get over*.

The good: Mike. We really did and do love each other. I know this even though it's completely done. Much of our relationship was tumultuous and about figuring out who we were & growing up. We went through some huge life events together. Now....I'm proud we're still friends. I can say without a doubt that I will always love him and care about him. He's a beautiful soul and in this regard, I also feel I'll never be able to say I've gotten over him. Silly, I know. I'm the one who ended the relationship. But it was a tragedy. So many positives, but it just wasn't working. And I'm thrilled he's with someone else who I can only assume is a great girl. He so deserves this. But yeah, there will always be a place in my heart for him. And I'm 100% ok with that.

But what if someone hurts us severely?  And it's over, it's done, yet he can't seem to pry himself away, so squats in my heart, refusing to leave when asked kindly, and so I throw him out & he's still there trying to do everything he can to move back in even though he'd never be more than a visitor who cannot stay. Why is there still a spot in the heart for this? Is it weakness? The connection and emotions I felt were beyond description & I want to have this again, but with someone healthy for me. I was told today to remember that it's ok to have thoughts & feelings that we don't necessarily want to have. What's important is to not act on it. She also said something i really liked: Rather than tell emotions to go away, it's like a wave. Let them go past, but not knock you off your feet.  Love doesn't and shouldn't have to be paired with pain. Breathe through it and don't flail.  Ah, you wise woman, Leslie. We'd talked a few weeks prior about a yoga experience I had where I totally flailed my arms when I hit a spot of feeling too vulnerable and exposed in a few poses. So this physical flailing has become such a metaphor for how I respond in other situations where it feels too much. Thoughts, emotions, feelings that I don't know how to manage result in me falling apart when I have the potential to just.let.go. Sit with it. See what comes up, but you don't have to act on it. Just let it happen and it too shall pass. I need to remember this: I will survive. Hell, if I've made it through the past couple years I'd say it's been more than proven. So, I'm trying to look at this in a better light. Instead of fighting myself and hating that feelings remain for someone I don't want them to, let it go. So what? I was in love & do still love him, but it really is ok. Unless I act on it, it's just feelings and I can deal with this. Take the positive memories as a goal to find in another relationship b/c it wasn't him. It was me finally cracking myself open raw and exposed and getting raked over the coals, but you know what? It took a lot of strength (and some stupidity :-) ) to do this and I'm proud for that. It's a huge thing that I never did with Mike. And I'm ready. To have this again. I know I'm slow to trust in this regard, well, and now, yeah... but I will. Without a doubt. Because I also learned that by giving myself fully to someone there can be a breadth & depth of emotions that will rock this earthly world. Truly, seriously amazing stuff I never knew was inside. And that's the point in all this babble. It's inside. ME. He was a catalyst to help me realize the potential, but it was I who provided the substance & it can happen again. Someday.