Moving Day

It's an interesting thing when you think you've grown, worked through some old $hit, become stronger, only to find old fears, insecurities, and inadequacies linger just below the surface, waiting for a sign to creep back into your psyche.

What is it that makes some people willing to push themselves past what they feel is their breaking point, while others shy away from even trying? or flee? I have a long history of fleeing. I now know some of the reasons why, but that's another story.

I remember countless people saying the brick wall around me was much too high for anyone to get over. And that I had these little peep holes I'd open at times, but they were quickly closed if I ever saw someone looking back at me. When I was 19 a close friend told the guy I was dating, "Whatever you do, don't tell her you've fallen in love with her. She'll bolt." He did. And I did.

When things get tough, I flee the scene. *Tough* means vastly different things for all of us. My tough isn't in learning new things, in being physically challenged, nor in fear of failure. I don't shy away from hard times. I am a good rock. My fears are more around not failing and of being known.

Yoga tonight we played with going into a backbend, and with the help of a partner, rising up to our feet. I've seen this done. I enjoy backbends. They feel good. They're lovely. The curves of the human body are beautiful to me, and the strength and solidness I see in those who perform this with ease just blows me away. And I want it. And another heart opener that was closer to the floor, but same idea in a sense. And so I made a few half-assed efforts, putting on my mask and figuring at least it'd seem like I gave it a shot. I tried-ish, and then as soon as it felt uncomfortable, I flailed about and gave up. Not because I didn't think I could do it. There was, admittedly, some concern, but I know better than that. I'm ok feeling the edge of my physical limitations and pushing past a bit. No...it was the swell combo of actually trying and therefore potentially being praised for it (gasp!), and partially because I felt that level of discomfort & instead of exploring it, I bailed. I think to have stuck with it would have been pushing through a level of intimacy I wasn't ok with. Not anything to do w/either of the two people who helped me. But within myself. What does it mean to be known? It's many things, but it's being exposed. Allowing another to see you struggle, see you try, sometimes see you succeed, and sometimes see you fail. And that they get you. I'm all for the process. But to feel someone has faith in me and to express it, that's scary stuff. And to allow someone to watch me work through what's well beyond the physical, that's even more scary. So instead I bailed. I know this feeling well. And also the tinge of disappointment. I've lived in this place for years & have been leaving it for a while now, but keep returning to pick up just one more item here, one more item there.Whether either of my partners truly did express disappointment, I'm not certain. But I felt it all the same.

I'm not accustomed to being told "you can do this. try it. even if you fail, you tried and that's how you know where you're at." I don't know how to handle that. It makes me tear up, actually. And God forbid someone see what I'm feeling from their simple words of encouragement. Hearing words of support, of encouragement, of belief in me....I'm likely to wind up a sobbing mess on the floor and who in the hell can explain that? Oh, well gee, you were telling me good job and therefore I fell apart. That's great, loopy girl.

Yoga has been amazing for me lately and I'm learning so much about who I am, where I've been, where I want to go. I've been on this path for a while, but allowed some diversions to get in the way (not all of my own accord, but some were). Yet I feel like a scared little girl. But it's time. By and large, I like where I'm at right now. I like where I feel things are headed & what I'm becoming. I don't know exactly what it's going to take for me to sit with the times I feel emotionally vulnerable. I can do it sometimes. Well, heck, I certainly offered this up not too long ago & had my heart handed back to me with shards of glass mushed into it. I survived that & actually have dealt w/the negatives and taken the positives to be used in very constructive ways. I can't quite wrap my brain around this experience yet b/c on paper it seems so ridiculous & I thought I was past this nonsense. Who the hell cares if I'm the crazy girl in yoga who had a crying meltdown and couldn't fully explain what was going on? Well, then I'd have to flee. I don't want to flee again. I've discovered my new home inside. I want to stay. What's it going to take to unpack & move in?