Phoenix

Relationships end and we're told to give it some time, things will get better, we'll move on and get over him. Do we always get over people? do we always need to? are there some cases where that person never fully moves out of our heart & it's actually ok to let them stay? i say yes. There are a few people I'm not sure I'll ever *get over*.

The good: Mike. We really did and do love each other. I know this even though it's completely done. Much of our relationship was tumultuous and about figuring out who we were & growing up. We went through some huge life events together. Now....I'm proud we're still friends. I can say without a doubt that I will always love him and care about him. He's a beautiful soul and in this regard, I also feel I'll never be able to say I've gotten over him. Silly, I know. I'm the one who ended the relationship. But it was a tragedy. So many positives, but it just wasn't working. And I'm thrilled he's with someone else who I can only assume is a great girl. He so deserves this. But yeah, there will always be a place in my heart for him. And I'm 100% ok with that.

But what if someone hurts us severely?  And it's over, it's done, yet he can't seem to pry himself away, so squats in my heart, refusing to leave when asked kindly, and so I throw him out & he's still there trying to do everything he can to move back in even though he'd never be more than a visitor who cannot stay. Why is there still a spot in the heart for this? Is it weakness? The connection and emotions I felt were beyond description & I want to have this again, but with someone healthy for me. I was told today to remember that it's ok to have thoughts & feelings that we don't necessarily want to have. What's important is to not act on it. She also said something i really liked: Rather than tell emotions to go away, it's like a wave. Let them go past, but not knock you off your feet.  Love doesn't and shouldn't have to be paired with pain. Breathe through it and don't flail.  Ah, you wise woman, Leslie. We'd talked a few weeks prior about a yoga experience I had where I totally flailed my arms when I hit a spot of feeling too vulnerable and exposed in a few poses. So this physical flailing has become such a metaphor for how I respond in other situations where it feels too much. Thoughts, emotions, feelings that I don't know how to manage result in me falling apart when I have the potential to just.let.go. Sit with it. See what comes up, but you don't have to act on it. Just let it happen and it too shall pass. I need to remember this: I will survive. Hell, if I've made it through the past couple years I'd say it's been more than proven. So, I'm trying to look at this in a better light. Instead of fighting myself and hating that feelings remain for someone I don't want them to, let it go. So what? I was in love & do still love him, but it really is ok. Unless I act on it, it's just feelings and I can deal with this. Take the positive memories as a goal to find in another relationship b/c it wasn't him. It was me finally cracking myself open raw and exposed and getting raked over the coals, but you know what? It took a lot of strength (and some stupidity :-) ) to do this and I'm proud for that. It's a huge thing that I never did with Mike. And I'm ready. To have this again. I know I'm slow to trust in this regard, well, and now, yeah... but I will. Without a doubt. Because I also learned that by giving myself fully to someone there can be a breadth & depth of emotions that will rock this earthly world. Truly, seriously amazing stuff I never knew was inside. And that's the point in all this babble. It's inside. ME. He was a catalyst to help me realize the potential, but it was I who provided the substance & it can happen again. Someday.

K, lots to say, but been traveling so just making a mental note to return to this. Heading into the office shortly so, here we go.....

crystal method done me good

Tonight I sat with it. No, I rode with it. In need of a great booty-kicking sweat, I grabbed the rollers & my bike and hopped on. I don't love them. I like that I have to balance, 'cuz it's certainly been in need of help even moreso since the great crash of '10. But try as I might, I just don't enjoy riding rollers. It's what I had available so I somewhat begrudgingly started my session. My legs felt surprisingly fresh, so I upped the cadence and pushed it. Crystal Method blared from the stereo and created a rather pleasant feel to the whole affair. Then over 1/2 way through, nearing the end of a song, I turned off. Shortly beforehand I'd started feeling some aggression. Pissed off. I didn't want to ride anymore. I stopped pedaling and put one foot down and said, "That's good enough. At least I rode a little." Ruh roh. THAT was the wrong attitude. I stopped and asked, "are you always going to quit too early? is good enough always good enough for you? really? it's ok to push just a bit and then say to hell with it and give in?" Um, nooooo, this is NOT ok. I've half-assed through much of my life. Putting in effort when effort was due, but with rare exception, not pushing to my limit. My limits are much farther than anyone would imagine and I'm proud of that, except I don't often do much about it.

Back on the bike I went. I was floored that the next song on was Comin' Back. You keep comin' back again. You keep comin' back for more. Oh, it pissed me off terribly! One person only entered my sights and it struck me that so often we're told not to run away from things. To stand and face them. Here I was on a bike, riding rollers, going nowhere, and yet I used this anger to propel me. Faster. Away. But I wasn't running. I was taking myself out of the situation entirely, and for this I feel just fine.

I was so proud of myself for finally pushing through, even if in reality, it wasn't a huge deal. Why did I just discount that? It really WAS a big deal. I didn't give up. I didn't accept *good enough*. I actually felt a bit queasy once I stopped, but so be it. I sat outside with Scooter for a while and felt happy, proud, pleased that I showed me. That voice that's told me it's ok to just do what's expected. That what I do is often more than others, so surely it's enough. That voice needs to shut its trap.

Repose

Do you remember that Thanksgiving you got the flu? So many years ago now, you still had another semester of college yet. We listened to calls from our parents saying we miss you both and wish you could be with everyone. How sorry they felt we would be alone.

We dined on some insignificant scraps - I'm not even sure you ate. The gas log fireplace flipped on, pretending to rage in its cheap, pathetic way that we still loved the entire winter. And I remember you resting on the sofa, congested, lethargic, placing your head on a pillow in my lap, a blanket cocooning us together. I read, the TV tirelessly flashing images with its volume off so we could listen to the stereo. We always had so many things going at once back then. And you fell asleep about the time I wanted to get up for a drink of water.

So I sat & played with your soft hair. Why was it always so soft like corn silk? Things were tumultuous in our relationship those days as we struggled to figure things out. And I remember looking at you for a long time. You seemed so peaceful and relaxed, no arguments, no discussions. And I remember letting out a big sigh, letting go, and thinking there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

We have liftoff...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKd06s1LNik&ob=nb_av3e

I say goodbye to you, my friend.

We made a good run of it, but I bid you adieu. 

It's time. I feel this. I believe this. You won't be missed in the sense of a normal *missing*. I don't want you back. And yet I am grateful you stuck with me for this ride. You were always there, from my earliest memories, and there's something to be said for steadfast loyalty. No matter how tough, no matter how low, you stuck by me. You held me back, you pulled me down, but you also forced me to feel things I'd have never felt otherwise. And because of that I know you have been the foundation from which such strength could rise. I've heard: "You are one of the strongest people I've ever met." Yes, I now can say yes, and feel it.

Gather your belongings. Why no Halloween this year? Why indeed. We've shared a lifetime of Halloweens. You take the masks and costumes. They are yours alone.

And through it all, the sadness, the despair, the struggle to claw through the shit, there was always the hope. Always the underlying gentle caress on the heartstrings, beautifully generating sounds that we both knew would eventually resonate over the rest. They've always been there. They've always sung to me, though sometimes I couldn't hear. But they were there.

So. So long, my friend. I hear you. I've always heard you. But it's time for you to give up center stage. It is not your place. You be the one to watch from the sidelines for a change.

:-|

shit.

combat the implosion.

Today is Yesterday :-)

Today's post is actually me modifying my post from yesterday. New thoughts about the experience. I thought of leaving it as it was b/c that's what came to mind last night when I wrote, then decided that it's ok to edit. So edit I've done.